Tuesday, November 23, 2010

And he keeps delivering...

As I was working today I heard our garage door. It was about that right time for Mario to be coming home. So, I was ready for him to walk in the door. Bob, our cat, ran to the door (He knows when Mario is home and meets him at the door). However, when I heard the garage door again and still there was no Mario, I was a little confused. We share a garage with our neighbor, so I knew there was a fifty-fifty chance that it could be our neighbor Ben. But then I didn't hear Ben go into his house. Interesting but didn't think too much about it.

But then I immediately heard the garage door again. Still no Mario. Cue garage door again. Bob is still at the door with this look on his face that says "Where the hell is dad?" 

The garage door goes again. I finally start ignoring it. Maybe it wasn't our garage door after all. There is a whole alley of garages back there...but this sure sounded like our garage door. Our old neighbor's young son used to get a hold of the garage door opener and just hit the button over and over. Nothing like walking past a garage that all of a sudden it kicks to life and starts opening and closing with no one around. I would hear that door go crazy a lot. Maybe it's one of the other neighbors? Maybe, it's Egon the crazy kitty next door sitting on the garage door opener? 

But then Mario walked in the door. Bob went crazy cause dad was finally in the house. Mario was just shaking his head.

Mario "I have another one for the blog" 

Oh I couldn't wait to hear this...

Mario "I drove down the alley and pulled up in front of the garage. Hit the garage door opener and nothing happened."

We have had problems with our garage door, so this is no surprise.

"I hit the garage door again and nothing. I pressed that button a million times. I pulled back. I pulled up closer. I tried that trick you told me about when you put the remote up to my jaw...the garage door wasn't working. But then I saw this flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye...and realized I was in front of the wrong garage like a doofus!"

aahhhh hahahahah! Well, I have to admit. That's probably not too hard to do. It's a very long alleyway with garage door after garage door. Still, after four years....you'd think he'd have figured it out.

Monday, November 22, 2010


Thursday night Mario went to bed a little earlier than me. I was finishing up some work, when I heard a crash from the bedroom! I immediately knew what it was...Mario had finally killed his glasses!

A moment of silence.

Those glasses have put up quite a fight over the years. I'm sure most of you know Mario falls asleep at the drop of a hat. Most of the time he falls asleep before he even knows he's tired. This means that he falls sleep with his glasses on all the time.

Most of the time, I hear snoring, laughing, some talking or grunting...and then I hear his glasses hit the ground. Never fails. Most of the time I'll get in bed and take his glasses off of him. So, I'm not surprised that they were killed. I was surprised at the number of pieces and how loud this killing was. They put up quite a fight.

It worked out well though because Mario was over due for a visit to the optometrist. He had an appointment a few weeks ago but had to cancel because of work. This time there was no choice. He couldn't see shit. So drawing story boards was not going to happen. Although, I kind of would have like to see how different his drawings would have been.

Needless to say, I had to drive him around that day. Until he got his new glasses. I was happy. It's been so long since I've had my man to myself on a Friday. So, we picked out some glasses. Then took off to run some errands while we waited. This is where I got to find out just how blind the man is. While we drove around Mario suddenly yelled "I see fireworks!" "No honey that's a bunch of cars driving by on the hill above us." He was so excited about the fireworks, I was bummed to tell him there really wasn't any. Of course I still made fun of him all night.

We had a great day hanging out and spending some time together. We had sushi and shopped. We walked around town and enjoyed that there was nothing he could really do until he could see again. I loved it. Soon enough though, we headed back to pick up his glasses. We had to order two pairs. One that his insurance pays for, but would take a week to get. And also a cheapy pair that we could get in one day, so that Mario could function and actually work for the next week. The optometrist we go to has a clearance room. We were looking for the cheapest pair we could find. I picked up a pair as a joke and handed them over. Even though he was blind, he did not even want to try them on. He rolled his blind eyes at me, but still tried them on to humor me.

And they looked so good on him! I might just like the back up pair better than the real pair of glasses. Mario really likes them also, but I think he might be tired of me telling him how cute he is. Every time I see him in his glasses...I want to bite him! He looks so cute!!!!

Friday, November 19, 2010


Can I tell you how excited I am? I just found out that I get to be in the room while my friend is having her third baby.

I was there for baby number one. We were all new at the birthing thing. It was awesome and amazing...and totally alien. It still is so strange to see a small human emerge from another. You can't disagree really. Just think about it.

However, it was still the most amazing thing I've been a part of. So tonight when KT asked if I'd be around to video baby number 3's birth...I was all over it! And let me just set the record straight on the "videoing" the birth. We've had some ups and downs over the years and this is her way of testing the waters with where our relationship is now. We've really made an effort to better our friendship. And I'm excited for us to be back at that spot where I am a part of such an important event. Besides me "videoing" is me holding a video camera and crying loudly saying stuff like "Oh my god! Look at him" and "oh my god, what is that?" with lots of shots of the ground and walls and the baby and nurses and then the floor again.

You might wonder about baby number 2? Well, I was in the wrong part of the state while he was being born.  I do almost share the same birthday with number two. He was due on my birthday but he went over. I went out of town for my birthday and he showed up. He's my hunk-a-hunk of burning love.

KT bakes some big boys. Joey was just over 9 lbs (I believe), Isaac was 11 lbs 4 ounces, and the doctor has already hinted that Silas will be on the larger side. I can't wait. They are my boys and I torture them with kisses...too bad that's what they get with Auntie Laura.

This is my favorite picture of them. I love how Isaac is completely passed out and I love even more that Joey knows how funny this photo is.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Mario went shopping...and brought me back a blog post!

My mother-in-law's birthday is this weekend. Saturday, we're going out for high tea and will spend most the day hanging out. Of course Mario and Angela shopped around last week for that perfect birthday gift. The search was long and hard! The winner was found at Bed, Bath, and Beyond...an over the toilet bathroom cabinet. Only the best for Isabella!

Tonight was to be the official purchase of said bathroom cabinet. They headed out, shopped and were back before I knew it. I was shocked how fast they really were. When I mentioned this to Mario, his response was "Well, it was time enough for things to happen". What the hell does that mean? This was his explanation...

While they drove to the store, they made sure to formulate a plan of attack. First and foremost they wanted in and out of the store quick. No dilly dallying! The second issue was the weight of the cabinet...she was heavy! So, they decided to pull up in the loading zone. Angela would stay in the car, while Mario ran inside and put the cabinet into a cart. Then he would run out to the car and Angela would run in and pay for it. She'd bring the cabinet back out and then Mario would load it into the car. (Why the need for all the weird switching back and forth...I have no idea.)

When they pulled up in front of the store, it was getting close to closing time. People were running around trying to get the last minute shopping in before the store closed. Mario grabbed a shopping cart and headed over to the center of the store where the cabinet was. This is where the first problem became apparent. The shopping cart won't actually fit down the isle. So, he had to park the cart at the end of the isle. He then headed in to get the cabinet. He picked up the box and started heading back to the cart. He only has to carry this box ten feet to the cart on the main isle. However, halfway to the cart is where problem number two became apparent. He felt his shorts start to slip. This is where he paused to make a very important decision...Do I put the box down and catch my shorts? Or do I keep walking the last five feet to the cart and chance it?

Not a man to give in...he decided to take that box all the way to the cart! After all, it was a birthday present for his mother! And when he hit the end of the isle...his shorts were down around his knees! He then had to shimmy knock-kneed into the main isle carrying a heavy box while trying to keep his shorts from going down any further.

He tossed that bitch into the cart, rescued his shorts from the floor, peeked around to make sure no one had called the cops on him for indecent exposure and headed out the door to tap out and send Angela in to pay!

What I love is that there was not one bit of embarrassment! It was like it happens all the time ...I hope not. He was also absolutely sure that none of those people running around the store had seen a thing. No one saw him shimmying around with shorts at his knees trying to get a heavy box in the cart...except for that security guard watching all the security camera's in the back room! Someone is gonna make $10,000 off of my husband...and I'm pissed it's not me!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Blogging ADD

1. I have been taking advantage of google maps. I punch in a city I've been to, click it over to the hybrid map, and then cruise around and try to figure out where I went and hung out when I was there. I know it's geeky, but it really does take me back and brings back the memories. I've been dying to travel...pretty much since I got back. With google I can go visit my cousin's house in Germany. I can't believe there is an actual photo of my family's house online. Then I cruise around the area and look at the places we went. The river we took the dog for a walk by. The train stations we spent time at. These little mini trips seem to be keeping me happy for now. My sister has been stressing out so I sent her links to two places on there and told her to take a mini vacation.

2. While I've been taking my mini mental vacations, I've starting compiling a list of foreign cities that my sister and I have had a fight in. Starting at 12 years old in Saint Petersburg, Russia. Little jerk wouldn't let me have the shampoo. Ok, it was because after Chernobyl the water in Saint Petersburg looked like antifreeze. She thought I would die if I took a bath. I know, it's so loving of her...but I needed a shower. We have since had fights in London, Vienna, Beitigheim, Rome, Paris...I'm still compiling the list.

3. It's pretty funny when Mario laughs in his sleep. It's even funnier when he wakes himself up by laughing in his sleep and gets embarrassed.

4. I have found myself at the hardware store the last two days. I needed to buy a piece of Masonite for a project. The next day I needed some cuts made to it. This really awesome worker did all the cutting for me by hand for free. He totally looks like and has similar mannerisms as my sister's boyfriend, Tim. Except that this dude is like a petite mini version of Tim. So I've been calling him Pocket Tim. Now, if I could only find a Pocket Lindsay for little Pocket Tim.

5. I received an email today from my mother with the subject "My thoughts on Sex"...I haven't decided if I want to read it or not.

6. I really need to learn to go to bed when I initially feel tired. That was at 10pm tonight. Because when I don't take that opportunity, I get my second wind. Then I find it's 2am and I'm writing a blog out.

7. This is the second time I've written this blog. I got about half way through writing this earlier and decided that I liked the previous version of the sentence. So I hit the Ctrl + Z. Instead of giving me the previous sentence, it erased the entire sentence. Then I hit it again to see if it would put the sentence back. Nope. It erased the entire paragraph. So I hit it again. It deleted the entire blog post. It's like I couldn't help myself. So I quickly closed the blog post window, hoping it hadn't saved yet. Nope again. It was a completely empty blog. I really hate when I do stupid things like that.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Moving on up...

We finally did it! We hired someone to clean our little hovel! I'm totally excited and totally weirded out at the same time!

One of the waitresses at the restaurant has been begging to clean for us for a while. Always one to support other small businesses...I was all over it! I know I have been talking about it for a while, and with me getting more shoots...it seemed to be the right time to do this.

I bought the previously mentioned telescoping duster at her request. I've also been collecting all my cleaning supplies into one area...only to find out that I have hardly any cleaning products...what I have been using to clean is a mystery!

I have been so excited! That was until she came over to take a look at our place. She made me feel like it was a real mess...which I hope means that she just has really high standards and my house will be immaculate! She also was talking about cleaning the windows...I've only done that once since I've lived there! At least she'll be doing more than I usually do, what with the window cleaning and dusting above eye level!

I have to admit I feel weird about it and a little nervous. She came over and I took off. I really couldn't sit there while someone else cleaned my house. It just felt a little too luxurious and way too weird. My mom raised us by working full time and having a cleaning business. My sister and I would help all the time(child labor laws apparently didn't apply). So it feels weird to have someone cleaning my house. I actually feel insecure about it! I don't want anyone to see that my house isn't as in good of shape as I like to think it is! I could care less if she found my vibrator, I just don't want someone looking under my stove or behind the toilet...where the real dirty secrets are!

I'm sure I'll get over this as soon as I see how clean the apartment is...and knowing it's clean without my having to put in any hard work! Actually now that I've gotten that off of my chest...I totally want to run home and see how it looks. Although when I left two hours ago, she said she'd probably still be there cleaning...she's not telling me I'm a slob right? She just wants to make sure that it's done right the first time? Yeah that's it!

Friday, November 05, 2010

Spiders, Why'd it have to be Spiders!

Can we revisit our ongoing spider killing situation please? You know I'd rather not, but I cannot for the life of me get into Mario's head how important it is to actually get them out of the house...dead or alive. I really don't care either way, so long as they aren't in the house.

Last night, while I was trying out my new telescoping duster, I apparently disturbed a spider hiding out. He was hanging out up in a corner in the living room. So, I calmly pointed out to Mario that there was an enemy in our turf and would you kindly remove it asap. I got the irritated sigh. You know the one, where you are being alerted that you are interrupting a very important meeting he is having with the television. I then mentioned that I was busy dusting, and I was only asking that he obliterate the enemy before he goes to bed or I wouldn't sleep.

While I kept dusting around, Mario started walking around the apartment looking for something to kill it with. He kept asking me how I expected him to do kill it...it was way up by the ceiling. I told him to grab one of his flip flops, stand up on the couch and swing. He made another lap around the living room looking for something to kill the spider, and again asked me how I thought he should kill it. Flip flop, stand on couch, kill!

I was looking around for one of his flip flops. I turned around to see that he had a paper towel in one hand and my new duster in the other! What is he doing! I saw him go at the spider with the handle of the duster. He jumped back and then looked at the couch.

Me - "Are you kidding me! Babe, the reason I suggested the flip flop is because it has a much bigger surface area...making it very hard to miss the spider. The end of the duster handle is small and you just knocked in off the wall."

Mario - "Oh well, I think it's gone."

Me - "No it's not gone. It's now in the couch. Right in the spot that I sit."

Mario - "Well, I don't see it" Of course he's standing five feet back from the couch cause he has the willies and wants to escape back to his spider free end of the couch.

Me - "Babe can you move the pillows around and look for it, cause I don't want it living in the couch"

Then I quickly hid the duster so he couldn't try to use it again to go after the spider. I turned around and saw that he was squishing the paper towel up...woo hoo!

Me - "You got it?!"

Mario - "Yeah got it. I pulled back the pillow and there it was."

Me - "Good. Squish it!"

Mario kind crunched the paper towel up and then opened it to show me his kill...then got a really confused look on his face...because THERE WAS NO SPIDER IN THE PAPER TOWEL!!! I do not know how this man looses these spiders!

Mario -"I swear I got it! Where the hell is it?!"

He starts looking around again and I see him look down at the base of the couch...where my purse is sitting wide open.

Mario -"Well, it's probably gone by now..."

Me -"Are you shitting me! No, it's not gone! It's in my purse! That little fucker is going to pop out of my purse when I'm at the store! Then I'm gonna scream and throw my purse and hit someone and I'll be arrested and everyone will think I am crazy!!! Why didn't you just use the flip flop! You can never go wrong with a flip flop!"

**I realize I already sound crazy. I am fully aware and mostly ok with this.

***I just had to stop typing this blog post, because out of the corner of my eye, I saw that little fucker running across the wall!! And do you know what I did? Yes, I grabbed one of his flip flops, stood on the couch, and killed it. There is no guessing. It is dead and disposed of. Seriously what are the chances of that guy making a run for it as I type up a blog about him!

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Heteronyms and Homographs

You all know that I work Bingo for the restaurant on Tuesdays. I play the Bingo wench. Tadao calls the bingo numbers in his loud voice and I run around when bingo is called checking numbers and handing out prizes. It's very very fun (insert sarcasm here)!

However, every once in a while something happens that makes it all worth it. Sure a crazy busy night for the restaurant is great...or maybe someone makes a fool of them-self....even better.

Tonight was one of those regular Bingo nights. Nothing too exciting happening. There was a good amount of people there, people were having fun, and I was working away instead of being the bingo wench. One of Tadao's friends decided to be the wench tonight and I took him up on that offer! We actually agreed to tag team it.

With the first hour down, I took over for the second hour. I have to admit I mostly block out all the BS that Tadao says. We've been running this show for over four months. I get to hear the same stuff over and over. I'm sure he's as tired of saying it as I am hearing it. I listen enough to hear the numbers but I mostly block it all out. However, for some reason tonight I was paying attention. Maybe it was the nice break for the first hour...or maybe I just knew that something good was brewing.

It usually goes something like "B-5! Burgers - five!" But as the evening goes on they get a little stranger. "O - 75! Ottawa family school bus - 75!" or sometimes even "O - 75! Naval Orange - 75!" Yeah they don't always make perfect sense. So far the hardest party of running Bingo has been coming up with B I N G O words. I understand. And for the four months that we have been doing this bingo night, we have been ending the night saying that we need to make a good list of words for him to read off of. But we haven't. So he says stuff off the top of his head.

So tonight went something like this...

Tadao "I - 17! Interceptor - seventeen!"
Tadao "N - 36! Nutella - Thirty-six!"
Tadao "G - 55! Gigantic Pasties - fifty-five!"
Me - "Tadao! You can't say that!"
The entire restaurant broke up laughing and Tadao looked totally confused.
Cute kid up front "I think you mean PASTRY!Gigantic Pastry."
The entire restaurant breaks up laughing again
Tadao "No. Pasties."
Me "Um well this is a family restaurant and do you know what pasties are?"
Tadao "Pasties. They are an English Pastry"
Me "Those are pronounced PASS-Tee not PAY-STEE...big difference buddy. PAY-Stees are the nipple covers that strippers wear"
Tadao "Well I didn't know! I meant the english pastry!"

The man was completely humiliated! It took quite a while for the giggles to die down...ok mostly my snickers. What I love is that the English-as-a-second-language waiters totally got it and were cracking up. What I love even more, is that it wasn't just Pasties. It was Gigantic Pasties! Which really is appalling, because all I could picture was dinner plate size pasties! What I love the best is that I was not the only pervert in the place that knew what pasties where. Everyone in the restaurant but Tadao knew what pasties were. These must be my people!