Tuesday, October 25, 2011


Today I received a disturbing email from my mother....

I just called Rossmoor to get the papers for the apt lease.  I needed to know what the hours were at the office.
No problem I could come in at 8am to the office.  She asked what the date of the lease was.
I said nov 1.  she says I can come in on that day and get the papers.  WTF.
I may go in this week and get the papers started.  and see what she says.


I'm sure it's not disturbing to most people. It's really her normal random sentences, lots of double spacing, periods where there don't need to be periods, a lack of capitalization in spots. What upsets me is at the end of line three. "WTF" Where did she learn that?! My sister and I don't use it. So, I responded to her email.

yeah that is weird...You know what else is weird? You using WTF in an email. IT gives me the heebie Jeebies!


Her response?

you are tooo cute.  I am trying to clean up my language for the grandchildren................................................

I do not want my kids saying "WTF". Besides anyone who knows her can all call bullshit on her cleaning up her language. I also love the loooonnnnggg pause at the end...it's as long as the wait she'll have before she actually gets grandchildren if she keeps saying WTF!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


I hate to say it, but I actually really like working register at the restaurant on the weekends. Don't get me wrong, I hate getting up early...getting out of bed and leaving my husband behind...having to look somewhat presentable on my "days off". But once I get over my normal complaining about having to get out of bed and get dressed, I actually like the work. I get to be that happy asshole that greats every one when they come in, take your money on the way out, crack jokes and send them on their way telling them we'll see them next week. I like it.

I've really gotten to know a lot of people. We have regulars who show up on certain days. We have regulars who show up at a certain hour. One of the things that we liked about coming to the restaurant initially, was being recognized by Rene and the waiters. It's what kept us coming back. I can see that people love that recognition and like to feel like we really know them. I honestly like when they are excited to see me also.

Of course, for every ten to twenty happy people who come through, though, there is always that one person who has to bitch and moan about something. I have no problem dealing with these people. I totally believe we need to hear the tough stuff or you'll never improve. But what do you do with those customers who complain about bullshit stuff?

Enter the strange guy, mid forties, who comes in every Sunday with a newspaper under his arm. He looks disheveled like he just got out of his office job...even though it's only 9am on a Sunday. Tie is always half pulled off and all crooked, shirt usually half tucked, hair standing straight up. He never really looks happy. Tends to look serious, so I don't say a lot to him. I just keep it simple.

A few weeks after I started working here, I finally got him to talk a little. I think most people had to get used to a new person in their restaurant. I had to gain some trust. Instead of just grunting, he finally made a little small talk while he was paying.

Weird guy "I really like this music."
Me "Oh good. We had a really bad love song station for a while, but we changed it up."
Then he'd grunt a good bye and leave.

That was it. Which was fine with me cause his creepy factor is pretty high. As the weeks went on, he would talk a tiny bit more.

Weird guy "I really love this oldies station you play."
Me "Oh good...thanks"
Weird guy "Yeah"
Then he'd grunt a little and leave.

A month or so passes and he comes in every Sunday like usual. It's the same every time. He likes the music. Grunt. Leave. This time though, he says a little bit more.

Weird guy "I really love this station. They play a lot of songs that the oldie radio station doesn't play."
Me "Yeah, it's got a good mix of songs."
Weird guy "I used to sell music to businesses, so I have a very sensitive ear. This is nice."
Me "Well, I'm glad you like the station" (Man this guy needs some socialization. He seems to be a bit excited about an oldies station.)

One day though, something was different. No not him. He still walked in, grunted, ate, and came up to pay.

Weird Guy "The music is different."
Me "Oh, ah, I suppose so. I can't really here the music up here very well."
WG smiling "Oh it's different. I used to sell music, so I have a very sensitive ear. I dont' like it"
Me "Well, I'm sorry"
Then he grunted and left.

The next week, like clock work, he was back disheveled as always. He paused at the door, then went in and sat down. I waited for the strangeness. He didn't disappoint.

WG smiling in a very creepy way "Ya know, I really don't like the music you have playing here. I want the oldies station back"
Me "I'm sorry. I'll let the owner know."
WG "I used to sell music, so I have a very sensitive ear. I prefer the oldies station."
Me "Ok, I'll let her know."
WG "Next week, if I come in and it's not the oldies station, I'm not coming back."
Me pausing and trying not to say good, "Wow, well, I'll let her know."
WG in the happiest voice "Well, off to three more church services! I've already been to two."
Me "Ok, have a great day."

I did tell Rene. She was as shocked as me with this weirdo. Was he serious?  Well, we kind of found out the next week.

WG pauses inside the door and then decides to walk in. He sits at the table to eat. I really can't here the music from where I am, so I really have no idea what station is playing. From where I stand, I can see him order, so I assume that the music is ok. Wrong. He walks back like he's going to use the restroom, but then thinks better of it and comes up to the register.

WG "You know I have a very sensitive ear, and I don't like this station you are playing"
Me...no shit. I've heard about your sensitive ear before "Oh, I'm sorry. I let the owner know last week. It must have slipped her mind"
WG "Next week, if the station isn't back to the oldies station, I won't be back. I'm serious."
Me "Ok I'll let her know."
When he comes back up to pay, he acts like he never acted like a spoiled brat.
Me "Well, besides the music, how was your meal?"
WG "Oh great as always!"
Me "Good good. Well, have a nice day."
WG "off to services!"

I'm curious how his fellow church people feel about his threatening a restaurant to get the music he preferred? What a jerk! I couldn't wait for the next weekend!

He came in for the next three weeks as if nothing had happened. I kept waiting for the threats. There were none. I'm not sure if he realized how weird his threats were or he couldn't find any other restaurants that had the station he wanted, but he kept coming in like nothing was wrong. Finally this weekend, I noticed that the station was back to the oldies. Good. I really don't know what else to say to this guy. Luckily, he's been quiet about it, but you never know. After he finished eating on Sunday, he came up to the register...

WG smiling and happy "I just love this song! Such a great song!"
Me "Yeah"
WG "This is just a great station!" kind of swaying with the music.
Me thinking this guy is sooo weird! You can't even here the music up here! "I'm glad you got your station back."
WG "I used to sell music to businesses, so I have a very sensitive ear to music and am very particular."
Me "wow. Enjoy your services."

He walked out as if he had won. I guess he has.  Luckily he wasn't that bad...he just sets the "crazy" alarms off. If it starts to get boring, I might have to change the station for a few weeks to see what happens! When you are a business open to the public, you have no choice but to let the crazies in.  I just wonder what other situations are going to come through those doors!


After pretty much four weeks straight without any days off, Mario finally got the weekend completely off! Of course I had to work both mornings, but I was just happy to have him around. I was also happy that he got to sleep as much as he wanted, didn't have to get dressed until he was good and ready, and we didn't have to plan our weekend around how much work he had to finished for a deadline. It felt like pure freedom!

So tonight when Mario told me he was coming home at a decent hour, I was expecting to see him around 8pm or so. But no, the man came home at 6pm! It was so good to see him on a week day during daylight hours! We immediately decided to take advantage of this very foreign situation.

We decided that we are moving in the next month or so...as soon as we find a place that is really worth it. Because of Mario's hours, I've been taking care of this mostly myself. Luckily, with Mario off, we were able to check out a few places together this weekend. Come Monday though, I had a new list of places I had wanted with to look at. We decided to go take a look at the neighborhoods they were in and make sure that we'd even want to live in the area. A quick drive by eliminated two of the four houses we were thinking about. After taking note of the two homes we definitely want to talk to the landlords about, we headed out to run a few more errands and then get some dinner.

Dinner was nice and mellow. We filled up on salad, shrimp, and Ahi Poke. We hung out and talked about the houses we've seen and what our next plan of attack is with the photo booth. It was really nice. It was more time spent together in one span, than we've gotten to spend together with just the two of us for a long time. It was like a mini date.

To top that date off, we headed to Target for some essentials...what more could a girl want!? Besides a bee hive in the parking lot and a slightly argumentative customer in the electronics department (just show them your ID and get over it dude), we had the place mostly to ourselves. We cruised the electronics, games, camping...I was nice and decided not to look at the clothes. We cruised along a little more, got the essentials we were in need of and then started to head to check out.

When we got to the front, I handed the cash to Mario to pay, and I ran off to use the restroom before I burst. When I came out of the restroom, Mario was at the farthest front doors with a funny smile on his face. As I walked up, I asked him what he was grinning about.

He told me that when I gave him the money, he put it in his front shirt pocket. While he was in line, he pulled out the money to count it. As he reached in, he felt something squishy with the money. He squished it a little bit, assuming it was an ear plug from my purse. There are a million ear plugs in my purse...cause you never know when you'll need one or twenty! They just seem to multiply in there I swear! As he reached into his pocket again, he realized that it didn't look right. So, he  squished it a little more and then finally pulled it out of his pocket...and realized it wasn't an earplug at all. It was a huge piece of Ahi Tuna! We are talking a good size one inch square piece of raw tuna from dinner an hour before. He had been squishing this tuna around in his pocket thinking it was an earplug!

My first question was, "Is it still in your pocket?"
Mario "No."
Me "Did you eat it?"
Mario "No!"
Me "Wow, good thing that didn't go through the wash! That could have been bad. However it's a good thing we have a fish alarm system at home called Bob. He would have been all over you!"
Mario "I want to know how such a big piece of fish could fall off my chip, roll down my shirt, and into my pocket without me knowing it was even there! It's not a little piece. It was substantial!"

I had the giggles after that imagining Mario walking around this fish in his pocket, then going home and wondering why the cats won't leave him alone. He's lucky too, because I had just finished the wash. So that shirt would have sat in the closet for a good four or five days before it got washed. It would have stunk to high hell and I probably would've had a difficult time keeping the cats out of the closet. That could have been shit! I also would kinda like to think that I would have noticed if a big piece of raw tuna had fallen down my shirt, but I find all sorts of shit in my bra, so who knows. It just makes me laugh to think of Mario walking around with Poke in his pocket.

Of course, he never really answered me when I asked where the tuna had gone. So, as I am writing this post, I asked Mario what he did with the tuna.

Me out of no where, "What happened to the tuna?"
Mario "Huh?"
Me "Did you eat the pocket tuna?"
Mario "No! That's disgusting!"
Me "Why? It was very fresh."
Mario "No, I walked all over with the tuna in my hand, looking for a garbage can to throw it in. That's how I ended up by the farthest door from the car."
Me "hmm...you should have just eaten it."
Mario "Bah!"

Thursday, October 13, 2011

When Good Conversations Go Bad

Last week I had lunch with some friends I used to work with. It had been far too long since the last time we'd met up, so there was a lot of bs to catch up on. One of the things I seem to have forgotten was how much fun we have when we meet up and how quick we all are to give each other shit.

Chris "What movies have you seen lately?"
Me "Um, well, not a lot. Oh Cowboys vs. Aliens...the cowboy part of the movie was great. The alien part was a dud."
Chris "I totally agree! I loved the first part of the movie. With such an epic name, you'd think they'd really do it up, but the aliens were really disappointing. What else have you seen?"
Me "Oh, we saw 'Protect The Block'. Fun movie!"
Mike "What is that?"
Chris "Yeah what is it? I've never heard of it and I see pretty much everything that comes out."
Me "Yeah, I can't believe you've never heard of it. Nick Frost is in it."
blank looks from around the table.
Me "Protect The Block is set in a rough neighborhood in London. There is a gang of teens running around causing a ruckus. All of a sudden these aliens start landing in the neighborhood. So these kids have to beat them off and...."
Mike "Whoa! Whoa! What kind of movie is this?!"
Me "Oh sweet Jesus! I meant to say that they kill them off and beat them up to protect their block!"
Me laughing "Didn't I tell you it was an X rated movie"
Chris "No wonder I haven't heard of it! I don't go to those theaters!"
Me "Did I say Protect The Block? I mean Protect The Cock! I should have known that you wouldn't let something like that get by you! Well, you should see it anyway. It was fun."
Chris "Hmm, I might have to look it up. But if there's any beating off, I'm not gonna watch it."
Mike "Chris, you let me know how it is.
Me "Ok,ok...just go watch it!"

Monday, October 03, 2011

Serious Conversations Between Friends

Sunday during a very important business conversation with a friends, the conversation took a turn...

Ed said "I heard that for every 35 pounds you loose, you gain an inch of penis"
Rene "What!"
Me "I heard it was 50 pounds."
Ed "Nope, I've heard 35 pounds consistently."
Rene "What!"
Me "How many places have you researched this?"
Ed "No, I've just heard it a few times"
Me "Oh, well, 35 pounds is better anyways."
Rene "What are you guys talking about!"
Me "For every 35 pounds a man looses, it reduces the fat around their penis...making it longer."
Rene "You can't be serious!"
Ed "I'm going to loose 140 pounds. That'd give me 4 more inches, right?"
Rene "Oh my god!"
Me "You'd be a stick with a huge cock!"
Ed "I know! I'd be like 50 pounds, but my dick would be huge!"
Rene "Oh my god!"
Me "Yeah, you'd be so thin, you wouldn't be able to even lift it!"
Ed "I don't care! It would be huge!"

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Hair Ninja

I have a dud haircut. Or the haircut I got two months ago was a dud. I know this because it has grown out into shit. I was in denial about it for a while. I knew it wasn't good, but I wasn't going to get another haircut before my sister's wedding. I needed an up-do...and I needed enough hair to do that up-do. So no hair cutting.

It was the day before the wedding when I finally came out of my denial and faced the shame that was on my head. I blew my hair out and straightened it, hoping it would help. Not a chance. It actually made it worse. I was not only made aware of the lack of layers I specifically asked for in the back, the front was COMPLETELY uneven! Dramatically so. I had no idea. Because once the haircut started looking a little funny, I automatically started just pulling it up in a pony or a clip.

When I realized that it was that off, I had to get confirmation. I walked in to my moms kitchen to show Tracy. I wanted to make sure I was seeing what I was seeing. Tracy confirmed it.

Tracy "Yeah it's pretty uneven."
Me "Argg! This haircut is crap!"
Tracy "Well, you did want to wear your hair up"
Me "I know but it sucks that I paid for this haircut...I'm never getting my hair cut with mario again. I didn't pay any attention to my hair with him falling asleep all over the place!"

Mom "Honey, what's wrong?"
Me "My hair is completely uneven. That lady really didn't do a good job cutting it. Unless one side of my head just started growing my hair way faster than the other."
Mom "Aww. Let me see..."

Before I knew it, there was a flash of movement and my mother was holding a handful of my hair! I had no idea that she had a pair of scissors in her hand. I have also never seen her move that fast before. She was like a scissor wielding hair cutting ninja!

Mom "Problem solved!"
Me "Well, I guess so. Where the hell were you hiding scissors?!"

She just smiled and walked away, Tracy just laughed...by this time in the trip she was completely used to my mother's antics, and I went back into the bathroom to see what I could do with my hair.

The upsetting part was that even with my mother taking a chunk of hair off of the long side, it is still longer than the other side.