Monday, February 28, 2011

Locked up

 Can we talk about being locked up in a very small apartment with my cats. With a wonderful two days of rain, Mario and I decided hibernate. We stayed in all weekend and enjoyed it. Mario learned a new 3D program and I worked on my website. It was lazy and productive all at the same time.

We left our little cave only once to pick up a few things at the store. We were lucky we did too...for we found a half mile in Burbank covered in snow. Snow is so unheard of here that everyone was out of their houses and making snowmen. Dogs were running around and playing. And of course the news vans were out filming. It was surreal really. It looked like a movie set. It was fun though.

Alas, we did our shopping and headed back home to the cats. Our cozy, lazy cats. However, by the end of the weekend, they were extremely bored cats. Under most circumstances cats are supposed to be independent and aloof. Our cats aren't.

We have bi-polar cats. While one is needy and cuddly. The other is an asshole. Bob loves to be demands to be held. Bob will walk over and sit on what ever you are paying more attention to. He's such an attention whore, that he will fall over in front of you to trip you while you walk. He's got moves you've never seen in another attention whores. He's really taken it to a new level.

On the other hand we have the asshole Dexter. Like I have described in past blogs, he's a bit of a jerk. He doesn't want you to touch him, he doesn't want you to look at him, he doesn't like when I talk to him. When I do, he looks at me with the "God, you annoy me" look. Then he adds in the "come any closer and I'll cut you" tail flick.

However, at the end of a long weekend locked up in doors, they are both bored out of their minds. Guess who is in charge of entertaining them? Both of these brats sit right in front of me and just stare at me. Of course I oblige...I have never won a cat staring contest. So, we play fetch and attack...and they are happy.

Sunday night ended with Bob acting like a spoiled brat and Dexter with an attitude.

I love that he doesn't want me touching him, but he'll hit me with his tail and then get mad at me for touching me.

Friday, February 25, 2011

"Was that girl just sucking on your earlobe?"

One thing I never thought I would ask one of the servers at the restaurant.

Bingo Tuesday was pretty big this week. We had a full house and I was the only person there to run it. I had been sick the weekend before, Rene was now sick as a dog, and Mario had spilled his dinner down the front of him and had to run home to change. So, I was sitting waiting for someone...anyone to help with Bingo.

More and more people were showing up and asking if Bingo was a go. I was sitting at one of the back tables waiting for Mario to make his entrance. A cute brunette in her early thirties walk in...well stumbled in. She sat the table two tables in front of me and started ordering. She was a loud talker. She was talking to a lot of people around...well mostly the single men around. I wasn't paying too much attention really.

That is until I saw her get up and almost walk into the wall. Then I couldn't stop watching. If someone was gonna make a fool of herself and it wasn't me...then I wanted to watch! I saw her get up and disappear for a bit...presumable the bathroom. Then she stumbled back...almost running into the same wall as before. She sat back down and started talking to herself and those around her again. I decided to make a run to the restroom before Bingo started. On my way back, I got a closer look. The few men she was talking to looked a little mortified in that "please stop talking to me very drunk stranger" kind of way.

As I started setting up the Bingo gear behind her, I heard her talking about how good looking he was...who he was I don't know. The older gentleman that she had been talking to was good looking but didn't really seem her type. The only other options were Rolando or our young Edgar. Edgar is adorable but was avoiding her like the plague. That only left Rolly. He's cute. Not necessarily who I would have thought this young hot chick would go after, but she was wearing beer goggles after all.

I sat back in my seat just in time to watch drunk hottie to ask Rolly to come closer. She had something to tell him. He leaned in very close. Very very close. She whispered...well really loud whispered something to the effect of "How bout you and I meet in the bathroom and I screw your brains out". Then I heard slurping noises!

Then I saw him lean in a bit more! However, that's when he must have remembered 1)he is in a crowded restaurant 2) he is married with children and a brand new baby...cause he jumped back. His response to her proposition of the back room conjugal visit? I'm working right now. I'm working right now!

Of course, it was Bingo time. Eventually, she stumbled out. Mario and Rene stumbled in and the event was forgotten in all the extreme excitement of our Tuesday Bingo at Theresas! But as soon as all the customers cleared out, I attacked Rolly with questions. Was that girl sucking on your earlobe! What did she say? Did she proposition you?

I had mentioned what had happened to Rene and Mario earlier, but apparently they must have misunderstood what I was telling them. Because when they were finally listening to my questioning, they were shocked. I couldn't stop laughing. Of course being the cool guy that Rolando is, he acted like he was hot stuff...drunk girls suck on my earlobe all the time! Customers always proposition me!

I'm still shocked at his response though...I'm working right now. Of course all the  guys there defended him and said he was shocked that she asked and you just say what first comes to your head, blah blah blah. My first thought would be...I'm married! I just told him to make sure if he tells his wife that he better come up with something better than "I'm busy right now".

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Terror 2011!

Today I was on a nice phone call with my cousin. We were laughing and joking around, when I heard a noise. Initially, I couldn't decide if the noise was a child or an animal. But as we talked on, I realized it was one of the cats. 

It actually sounded like Bob. Every once in a while he gets a wild hair up his butt and starts a little crazy howling. But this didn't quite sound right. It was a little different. So, I got up and looked out the bathroom window. There Dexter was sitting on the fence looking quite terrified...and he was looking at the ground. I couldn't see the ground or who was on it, but that's where the howling was coming from. 

I turned around and started running for the back door. I could only imagine that Bob had fallen off the fence and gotten hurt. However, as I hit the living room, I realized that Bob was laying on the couch with Mario. So, who the hell was in the back yard? 

When I got to the back yard, there was a cute cat sitting there. Howling at Dexter on the fence. Then it occurred to me that it was Egon from next door. This cat looked a little bigger than her though. She was all poofed up and looking tough. However, in all her poofed up glory, she was still half the size of Dexter...who I might add was still terrified and trapped on the fence by this cute little poofed up kitten. Yeah, our cats are tough.

With Mario and trying to decide if this was really little Egon, Bob decided to come out and join the fun. However, the minute he saw Egon sitting in our backyard, he high tailed it right back into the house. This was definitely Egon. Apparently he has learned from past ass kickings that this cute little girl was not to be messed with. Hearing the slight chaos outside, our neighbor Monica, yelled from her fence that she'd come get her cat. 

Egon went home. But all was not normal. Dexter and Bob have been shaken. The enemy was on their property. Dexter came in and cuddled up by me and licked my hand...he is not a lovey cuddly cat...however, I might thank Egon for this new show of love. It's now hours later. Bob and Dexter have been taking turns keeping watch making sure the evil kitten from next door doesn't come in...they're pathetic.

Keeping watch and making sure no one comes in through their window!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Today I was craving oatmeal. So, I gots my water boiling in the pot. I gots my oatmeal measured out. Threw the oatmeal in the pan. Thew on the lid. Started cutting up my banana. Then stood three feet away from the stove and was talking to my mother in law. All of a sudden Mario yells, "Honey, your cup runneth over! Your cup runneth over!" "

I thought he was being very sweet...well a little dramatic with the yelling but sweet none the less. But then he started the pointing. And I realized that my oatmeal was in fact boiling over. So much for being sweet.

Your cup runneth over...really? Not "Holy shit honey your water's boiling". Apparently Mario has been classically trained in emergency alerts.

Friday, February 11, 2011


1. Twice this week I sent text messages to a friend and did not get any response. Tonight I was very surprised when I sent her a message letting her know Mario and I were going for sushi and would she like to come with and got no response. I wasn't surprised that maybe she couldn't go, but I was surprised that I didn't a text message back saying "screw you for going without me".

That is I was surprised until Mario received a text message from me half way through dinner saying "Hey lady we're going for sushi...wanna join?" Mario wasn't thrilled being called Lady.

2. Came this close to telling Rene to shove the manager gig tonight. Her lack of ambition, work, leadership, pride, etc., etc, etc. was killing me today. I asked her to do something quite simple a week ago. I also asked her to look at some papers 6 months ago and also again a week ago. She had a list of three simple phone calls to make today....She didn't do any of these things! No she wasn't too busy, no she wasn't swamped, she just didn't do it. All of these things could have been taken care of within two hours. I think she finally saw how on the verge of quitting I was or maybe she was tired of me telling her to get it together over and over....but she finally did something. And then went so far as to decide to close down for a night and have all the cooks in for a meeting and have them tear apart the kitchen...I am beyond excited about that. They really need a kick in the ass!

However, we will see if she actually finishes off the rest of the list. Luckily I made a deal with her. The more shit she does, the more I will do. Hopefully I have her by the balls...probably not.

3. I just found out that the house from my favorite movie is located just blocks from my apartment on the Warner Brother Ranch. I have gotten a tour of the lot. I have been in the Walten house. I cruised around where Pee Wee Herman ran around. I have sat on the Friends fountain from the opening credits. I have very likely walked by the house from "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation". Only I didn't know this was the house because I was fooled by the lack of snow and more importantly the lack of Christmas lights! Something I need to check out, is if the homes from all the Vacation movies are the same. I'm hoping I have not been led astray and the house is not from one of the other movies...don't get me wrong, I'm still way excited by it, but Christmas Vacation house is totally my favorite!

4. Bob has officially taken advantage of Mario's new schedule and has made Mario his bitch. Bob demands to be held by Mario all the time! Mario is constantly trying to deflect Bob and his need to be held at all times. Bob has noticed the deflecting and resorted to sneak attacks. Just as Mario stands up, Bob will launch himself on Mario from the top of the fridge or from the couch. He only likes to be held one way and one way only...

So Mario tortures him the only way he knows how...

 "Oh god...make it stop!"

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

An Umbrella Did This?

A few weeks ago, we walked out of our apartment to find a big news paper on the lawn in front of our door. We just left it. We hadn't ordered the paper and we didn't want to steal someone else's paper because the paper boy had bad aim. So, we left it there...for three days. Mario finally went over and picked it up when it looked like no one else was going to claim it.

The next weekend, we received a paper on Saturday and on Sunday. Knowing that no one was going to claim these papers either, Mario threw them out. Grumbling the whole time about how the paper boy was a bonehead throwing these papers in front of our door. "What a waste!"

The next weekend, the papers showed up again. Mario was irritated again. "Why do they not understand that we shouldn't be getting this paper! They are just making a mess in the grass and I have to throw them away!" "We'll," I said, "Why don't you just call up the paper company a let them know there's a mistake?" Of course he didn't.

When another weekend came, so did these newspapers. I waited for old man Mario to grouch about the newspapers yet again...but he didn't. I guess he just assumed that they were there for good. It was such a change from the previous weekends.

Cut to yesterday. Mario was off running an errand and had forgotten a paper at home. So, he called to ask if I would scan in the paper and email to him. He told me the paper was in a small stack of papers in the cabinet. So, I pull the papers out and start looking for the paper he needed. I couldn't find it...but what did I find? A order form for the local newspaper for 20 weeks...SIGNED BY MARIO!!!

He had spent the previous three weeks bitching and moaning about some bonehead leaving this newspaper on his lawn and HE WAS THE BONEHEAD! When I asked him about it, he casually said "oh yeah I forgot about that"...and then he added, "Well, ma needed an umbrella and if I signed up for the paper, they'd give me a $25 gift card. So, I bought her an umbrella." Really? This all started because you're mom needed an umbrella?" Then he said, "Well, it was a really cool umbrella and she loved it."

I'm glad Isabelle got a new cool umbrella, but if he is having the newspaper delivered, he better start reading it!

Monday, February 07, 2011


Our outdoor furniture cushions died last summer. We have looked at so many cushion replacements in stores and online, but nothing was working for us style or price-wise. The cute ones were too expensive and the cheaper cushions were not cooshy enough.

So while our cushions looked like hell, they were super thick. So, we just covered them with beach towels and pretended that no one noticed how messed up they were.

We discussed recovering them ourselves, but I had tried something similar before and it was a mess. It started looking like recovering was our only option though. Finally, I got over my past failures and put the impending project in perspective. Just make big pillowcases for the cushions!

Everything fell into place while we were at the fabric store last week. The clearance fabric section called to us from a far. We took a quick look and actually found a bunch of cute outdoor fabrics. It was a good idea for the later on down the road. We were there for some other reason, we'd come back for the outdoor fabric later. Reality set in though and mid way through the checkout, we realized that we weren't going to see that fabric for those prices again!

$30 bucks and 6 yards later we headed home. With our Anti Super Bowl party looming, I got to work on those cushions! I measured those bastards 5 times, drew out diagrams, measured more and then finally started cutting. Three hours later, I had four made and they looked cute!

I'm so happy with the results...and even happier with the cost. To recover four cushions, it only cost us what it would cost to buy one new cushion...what a deal!

As of today they have been road tested and already smell of camp fire. Our Anti Super Bowl Party went well. The cushions held up so well and looked so cute dressing up the back yard a bit! All the baby back ribs were devoured, Guacamole and sausage dip were finished off, and there was just enough of my pasta salad left over for my mother in law's lunch...although I was ready to fight her for it!

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

PMS Brain

Someone really needs to keep an eye on me while I'm on my period. I was alright for the most part. Usually the worst of it is at the beginning. So, I thought I had sailed through without any major issues. However, my stupid day hit me square in the face yesterday. I was a complete idiot. I had zero attention span. Just trying to find a parking spot was a trial. As I was driving to the lower levels of this parking garage, I was telling a story about my mom to Colleen.

Colleen pops up with "You just passed two parking spots".
Me "Shit. Well, I'll just go down one more level and park next to the stairs there"

I immediately start talking again and pass right by all the prime parking spots.

Colleen "You are passing all the parking spots!"
Me "Dammit! It's like I can't do two things at once!"
Colleen "Just park it"
Me (mostly in my head and about every other word out-loud) "I can pull forward...or back into there...but I have to back up to get in there...I'll just pull in there"
Colleen "Just park in the middle!"
Me "I am not going to do that cause, I'm not going to be one of those jerks"
Colleen "Why not, it's the way to do it"

What I didn't realize was that there were three parking spots in front of me and she was telling to just aim for the middle parking spot and we'd quickly be on our way to sushi. I, on the other hand, was only thinking of the two parking spots that I was trying to choose between and I was not going to be one of those assholes who takes up two spots. Yeah, the obvious was not at all obvious to me! I was just out of it.

Later, Mario and I were headed to the store. Just as we crossed an intersection, out of the corner of my eye I see the huge truck next to me swerve towards us. I screamed "Oh my god!" Then actually looked at where he was and said "oh I guess he really wasn't that close to us" Mario just looked at me and said "Maybe I'll drive home." It was probably a good idea.

Today, however, was where there could have been a real problem. Mario ran over to his mom's house to move some things around and I was left to my own devises. I jumped in the main brainstorming time...and was thinking yet again that I needed a haircut. No I was obsessing on this. It's just a mess. It's only fit for a ponytail or a messy bun...only lazy hair-dos. My hair is just too out of control to deal with. It's gotten longer than it's been in a long time. I would love to have long hair but it just doesn't work on me and of course a sexy new haircut is not in the budget right now. So PMS brain convinced me that I could just cut my own hair. Sure, no problem. Well, rational brain said "no way in hell are you cutting your own hair. You'll F it all up." PMS brain being the convincing little vixen that she is said "It will be cute and you really need to cut off those split ends! Worst case it ends up back in a pony tail" Well, rational brain gave in a little bit and then realized that the after the last cute cut, the front was way longer than the back. With the cute cut it worked. Now that my hair is longer, it doesn't work so much. So, I jumped out of the shower grabbed some scissors
and started cutting. I was a lot more relaxed about it all than I normally would be and I think because of that, it went well. I was mostly finished, when PMS brain pipped up again and said "You know bangs would be super cute!" But luckily rational brain stepped in and said "you're pushing it bitch".