Tuesday, November 22, 2011

And Then There's Pay Back

As much as I bug Mario with my dipshits, he pays me back. He has one special way of making me crazy and it never fails.

It's normally after a nice lunch or dinner and I realize that we need to stop by Target for a few essentials. We get our cart. Just start to walk through a few isles. Pick up a few items on the list. That's when it happens.

Mario "We have to go home."
Me "What are you talking about, we just got here"
Mario "We have to go home now."
Me "What's the problem"
Mario leaning in "I have to go to the bathroom. We need to get home."
Me "No way. We just got here. I still have stuff on the list to get. Use the bathroom here"
Mario "Look we have to go home. I can't do this here."
Me "Babe, people do "this" here all the time. Just go use the bathroom."
Mario "I don't like that bathroom. I want to do this at home."
Me "By the time we finish shopping, pay, and drive home, it will be too late. You'll have crapped yourself. Just go to the bathroom."
Mario "If we leave now, I'll be ok."
Me "This is ridiculous. You do this every time we come here."

Sometimes we rush home. Sometimes he relents and just uses the bathroom. But it's the same conversation every. single. time. He knows I like my time at Target. I don't need to look through every isle. I don't need to spend hours there, but I don't want to be rushed by his butt either. Why agree to come here, if you're just gonna need to rush out. And what is it about this place that makes you have to poop?

It was no different this weekend. We had dinner and then headed over to get some desperately needed toothpaste and soap. We had actually made it three quarters of the way through the store, when Mario got his "DOH!" face. I knew it was going to happen.

Mario "We have to go home."
Me "No, you do this every time. Go use the bathroom."
Mario "No, I don't like those bathrooms."
Me "What's the problem? They were just being cleaned when we came in."
Mario "I just don't like to go to the bathroom here."
Me "Go!"
Mario "Fine!"

Mario stomps off....but somehow comes back looking relaxed and happy not more than a few minutes later. He couldn't have made it all the way to the front of the store and finished his business. Don't tell me he crapped himself. He must have seen the look on my face.

Mario "If I keep moving, I don't have to go to the bathroom anymore"
Me "Are you kidding me?"
Mario "No, if I keep walking at a certain speed, I don't have to poop"
Me "That's ridiculous"

I pretty much spent the rest of the time puttering around trying to find out how slow I needed to go to torture him. I'd distract him in the kitchen department with cool gadgets...then wait for the "OH! Gotta move. Hurry. gotta move!" Every time I heard it, the giggles would start. Why the man couldn't just go to the bathroom, I don't know. At least I found the humor this time, but why can't the man just go use the bathroom! He's not one of those people who has problems going to the bathroom places.

As we paid for our goods, I watched Mario dance around just twenty feet from the men's bathroom. This man is a dork! We walked to the car at his "special speed" and once in the car I started to ask about this Target bathroom aversion.

Me "So, what's the problem with the bathrooms here? You have no problem leaving your mark on other institutions...what's the problem here?"
Mario "I just don't like it"
Me "It can't be that dirty. The ladies bathroom is usually ok. I can't imagine the men's room is that much worse."
Mario "It's really not dirty at all. I just don't like it."
Me "How?"
Mario "I don't know. It's kinda creepy."
Me "What do you mean creepy? Like it feels like there's a ghost in the bathroom?"
Mario "Yes. I don't like it. It's not conducive to proper poopping"
Me "So, you're afraid of the bathroom ghost?"
Mario "Yes."
Me "You're strange."
Mario "You try pooping with a ghost right there."
Me "Why don't you just use the single bathroom by the pharmacy? it's private there, no ghosts."
Mario "There's a bathroom by the pharmacy! That's perfect! I can just go by myself! Next time I'll use that one and swing my feet around in happiness!"
Me "You're weird, but so long as you let me shop at Target without your poop issues I'll be happy. I'm glad we worked through this issue. You were making me crazy."

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