Monday, November 28, 2011

How my sister single-handedly ruined Mario

Lindsay and I were raised to take care of our own belongings. If we wanted to bring something with us somewhere, we were completely in charge of making sure that belonging came home with us at the end of the trip. It was actually a pretty strict rule in our house. Mom will not carry your shit when you get tired of holding really think about what you are bringing with you.

I still follow the rule out of habit. I don't want to carry other people's shit if I don't have to. Hence the reason I never make Mario carry my purse. I do recall Mario offering once or twice to carry it...I think Miss Ex might have made him carry her purse a time or two, but I immediately declined the offer. If I didn't want to carry it, I shouldn't have brought it.

This is probably the reason I can't stand when girls make their men carry their purses. I understand the quick hold to try something on. I understand you are trying to put your jacket on or have to use the restroom. I do not understand why you own a purse and brought it with you, only to make your man carry it every where for you.You decided to bring that carry it. If you didn't want to hold it, you shouldn't have brought it. It's amazing how often I see it really.

Now cut to when Mario and I were dating. We had just moved in together and were walking around IKEA looking for storage ideas. I had grabbed one of their great big blue bags for shopping. I had put all the little goodies that we would be purchasing in the bag and decided my purse could also go in the big bag. We were about half way through the store and still had four more hours to go before we made it out safely...doesn't it seem that way at least? It was about this time that Mario noticed that I had been carrying everything. He nicely offered to carry the bag. 
I started to hand the bag over, and then paused. "I wouldn't mind not carrying it, but let me get my purse out first."
Mario "It's fine in the bag. I've got it."

I happily handed the bag over and was enjoying the freedom of not having to carry a thing. We strolled around for another ten minutes, when I heard my phone start ringing.

Mario opened the big blue bag for me to search for my phone. Of course, my purse was at the bottom...with lots of crap on top...and tangled in the new towel bar and hooks we would soon be purchasing...I finally got my purse open...pulled out the phone...and answered on the last ring...

Me "Hello?"
Lindsay "Hey, what's going on? Why'd it take so long to answer?"
Me "Oh, we're at Ikea looking around and I couldn't get to my phone"
Lindsay "Why couldn't you get to your phone?"
Me "Does it matter?"
Lindsay "I want to know."
Me "Well, Mario had it in the bag he was carrying"
Lindsay "Mario was carrying your purse?"
I knew where this was headed "He offered to carry the big bag and my purse was in it, so yeah he was carrying my purse."
Lindsay "Laura, take back your purse and hand him back his balls!"

Once that sentence was uttered, the man has since refused to carry or even remotely hold my purse in any way. The universe had changed in his favor and my sister now had his back on something and he was fully going to take advantage of it! He has since avoided my purse like it actually has the ability to remove his balls itself. A simple thing like asking him to hold my purse while I put on my jacket is ridiculous. 

Me "Here can you hold this for a minute, babes?" 
He stares at my purse like it's dirty and covered in blood.
Me "Mario, I just have to put on my jacket. One minute tops. What is the problem?"
He lets out a long dramatic sigh and holds it with one finger making sure to keep it away from his precious balls.
Me "Thank you, honey. I know it takes a little more of your manhood every time you have to touch the purse, but I think you'll live."

To get him to hold my purse while I go to the bathroom is far too much drama. If he does, it's a huge fight. "Mario, there is no place to hang my purse in that bathroom, please hold it for five minutes. I don't want to put it on the ground" I usually get the dramatic, put out, eye roll...followed by something about his shrinking man-hood. If he does hold it, he holds it like it has the plague. I've actually come out of the bathroom to see him holding it away from his body. He's a bit on the dramatic side if you ask me.

He's not really to blame though...I fully blame my sister. He came fully trained in purse holding when I met him. He was totally fine carrying my purse for a minute or holding my purse, before my sister ran her mouth off. She's completely ruined him and there's no going back! If this is men's lib...I want none of it!

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