So I Married a Subconcious Criminal

I admit it, I can be a troublemaker nothing major, more of a smart-ass whole thinks poop and penis jokes are funny. Most people see some innocent look on me and assume the best of me. I just let them think this until some perverted comment comes out of my mouth...it's their fault for assuming right. I love the shocked look on their faces. Mario is different from me in that is just not a troublemaker. As much as he likes to think he's a bad ass...he's just too nice. However, this last week, I have been seeing the bad ass side of him. Well, bad ass for Mario.

It started last week. I woke up early one morning to use the restroom. Walked in sat down. Then I looked over at the roll of toilet paper. It had been completely unrolled and then rolled back up. I was puzzled. I know all the crap that the cats pull and this hasn't been on their list for years. The next option was mario falling asleep and unrolling the toilet paper...I laughed for a minute and then realized that was just ridiculous.

Fast forward two days. We have kidnapped a friend and are heading to Target for supplies. Half way there I remember that I still have no idea what happened to the toilet paper.

Me: Oh by the way, what happened to the toilet paper?

Mario: Oh..um,yeah.

Me:(thinking...what did you do now?)

Friend:(look of curiosity on face because she wants to know what the hell we are talking about)

Mario: Well, I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. And apparently just as I went to unroll a little toilet paper I fell asleep on the crapper.

Me: You did not

...Giggles from the back seat

Mario: Well, when I woke up it was light outside and the toilet paper was all unrolled in a pile on the floor

...friend bent over laughing in the back seat

Mario: And then I figured, my ass is stuck to the toilet seat, I might as well sit here and roll up all this toilet paper

Me: shaking my head and finally giggling

Mario: You know when I accidentally woke you up when I came to bed this morning...yeah that was me finally getting back into bed after falling asleep in the bathroom for...ok I don't know how long. It was dark when I went in and the sun was coming up when I came out.

Me: You know I thought it might be you for like half a second, but then I thought about how ridiculous it was...I was going to blame the cats!

Friend: Still laughing in the back seat

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Then it got worse. During a trip to Home Depot, we found shade for the backyard. Small cement patio with all white walls and floor = oven in the summer and will just plain blind you the rest of the year with all the reflective surfaces. While we've looked at gazebos and umbrellas, the cost is just too much. And honestly, it would just be more stuff to crowd the backyard. However, we found this cool shade while shopping for more garden stuff. The shade was 30 bucks and we would just attach it to the roof line in two places and then to the cement wall. We got two corners of the triangle set up, before we realized that we'd need a different type of screw hook to attach it to the cement wall. We headed back to home depot with our hook screw as an example of the size we'd need, bought the remaining parts, and headed home to finish the job. I started to organized all the pieces and realizing I didn't have the screw we had taken with us, Mario pipes up with "I have the screw in my pocket" He then reached in and pulls out a completely different eye screw. Oh he had our original hook screw, but now he also had a six inch screw that we had decided not to purchase because it was just going to be too small.

Of course I yell "YOU SHOPLIFTED!!!" and then laughed hysterically as he looked confused as to how he had walked out with some extra loot. It wasn't even a little screw. This is like one of those huge hook screws you hook a hammock on. And he'd accidentally slipped it into his pocket. Yep that's my bad ass husband.

Well he was a bad ass until he said we had to take it back. I would be heading back the next afternoon to exchange the wheels we had bought for the composter (cause everyone needs a traveling composter right). He suggested I just put it back in the bin. I refused...that's when I would get caught for HIS theft. Instead I would just be honest and give it back to the lady when I exchanged the wheels. While I thought it was funny to hand it to her and tell her we accidentally walked off with their property without paying...she was totally unfazed. Said thanks and here is your receipt.

So much for Mario being a bad ass!