Thursday, January 14, 2010

I keep waiting for that funny thing to happen so I can throw it on here and we can all have a good laugh, but the fact is, I've been in a pretty quiet mood since the start of the new year. New Years has become my favorite holiday the last few years. I get all excited and organize the shit out of the house and my business. Then I take time to really evaluate what needs organizing in my head.

Well, this year threw me for a loop. Turns out organizing the house is the easy part and I finished that early. Now I'm sitting here with myself trying to figure out what the hell I'm thinking and needing. Day one of this year started off on the wrong foot and I've had a problem getting out of that funk since.

Friendships have been the main focus of my thoughts lately. The theme of friendship has been something I've worked worked on for a long time. I've learned a lot about myself through friendships. I've learned to be a friend to myself. I've also learned to really listen to what someone is saying and sometimes to ignore it. I've learned that sometimes as hard as you try, you just can't always be the friend somebody needs.

I know every friendship is a two way street. There are two people who determine where it goes. I understand that. I can easily say "well they haven't called me either" or "I gave her options and she made her choice", but I also understand my part in it. That's what I have been thinking about.

Mostly I wonder if I am I really the friend that I think I am? I feel like I've been falling down on all counts as a friend lately. I let awkwardness keep me from spending time with one friend. I let drama from one friend change my plans with another friend. I let yet another friend get stuck in the middle of a situation. There's an argument with a friend that prevents us from being friends right now. And then there's just plain not being there.

I'm changing the situations I can and I'm trying to accept the situations that I can't change. However, the most important part for me, is learning from all of those situations. Yes, I'm one of those assholes that sees the lessons in everything. Maybe it just helps me accept what life has thrown at me. Maybe it helps me keep tabs on my own actions and teaches me not to make the same stupid mistakes again.

However, right now there is one hell of a lesson swimming around in my head and I'm just trying to figure it out. Let see, there's friendship, accountability, self respect...well, I have some more thinking to do. Needless to say, it's a mess up there right now.

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