Apparently talking really does help. I woke up today feeling much much better. I'm still not sure what my funk is about, but I'm in a better mood regardless. I put my concerns out to the bloggy universe. Then went through and called all the friends I felt like I was neglecting. Sometimes all it takes is a phone call to make things feel good again. Plus all the normal friend gossip and giggling.
Today though, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm wanting. I have this part of me that wants to shut down my business and get a full time job. I would love to be able to go to work, do my job, and then leave it all behind each day. Sometimes the thought of having to figure out what the hell my business needs every day and having no one else to count on but me is a pain in the ass. If I don't do it, no one will.
I have big plans for my business this year and to be quite honest it intimidates the shit out of me. I have a degree in photography not business and a lot of times, I really wonder if I have what it takes to follow through with this. I'm sure I'm feeling the stress of redesigning my website and marketing plan for the year. I feel like I'm starting over in a lot of ways. I just wish I were more excited about it. I know if I can just get to a place where it's steady work, I can hire someone to do this everyday shit for me. But I feel the pressure of knowing we want kids very soon and knowing I really need to be farther along in my business. I don't want to go into motherhood with my business playing the yo-yo game.
The thing is, I know it can be done. My friend is a couple years ahead of me in business and she has it pretty well figured out. This year she's hired someone to do the every day stuff. She came to the realization that she's a photographer, not a designer, not a business manager. She wants to be the best photographer and mother. This means letting someone else do the other work. She's gotten her business to that point where she can be a mommy full time and then photograph weddings on the weekends.
I just feel so far away from that right now. Realistically, I know that this is the job I want to have when we have kids. I can be at home with them. I just need to get my ass in gear and get this business on track.
So this is where I'm at today. My boss is being an ass today, I don't feel like working today, I feel guilty about it...and there is no one else to do it for me! It's the best and worst job all in one!