Tuesday, June 03, 2014

I'm not normally one of those "Oh, god! It's Monday!" type of people...

But it sure felt like it today. Really it started with a dipshit move by me. Monday is street cleaning on our side of the street. I have to move my car by noon or I get another ticket. Yes another. I have a reminder set on my phone. The alarm went off and I screwed around until I had two minutes to move my car. That's when I started running around, putting on clothes, grabbing my purse, running over to grab my keys...and noticed one of our adorable weaselly dogs pooped by the front door. Of course.

I paused at the door knowing it was now one minute until noon and that parking ticket dude sits out front waiting for it to strike noon. I'm not kidding. I started to throw my stuff down and run down the hall for toilet paper to clean up the crap. Then I thought, no, I'm only going out to move the car to the other side of the street...I'll be right back.

I grabbed my purse, grabbed the keys off of the table and yelled to the dogs, "This doesn't mean shitting by the front door is acceptable!" I shut the door, turned around to make sure the door was locked and then looked at the keys in my hands...car keys...laundry room key...where the hell were my house keys!? They are usually kept on the same pull-apart key chain.

However, last night, mario let me out in front of the house, while he found parking...I had too many iced teas at dinner and it had hit emergency status. So, I had grabbed the house key off the keychain...but where the hell did I put it after running inside like a crazy person!? I checked my purse. A second car key. No house key...and it turns out, no phone either. Great. That's when I noticed the parking ticket dude cruising down the street. I took off around the corner and hopped in my car as quickly as I could.

My car was now safe from a ticket, but now I had to get a house key. I had two options. Drive over to my friends house and see if she's home. She has a spare key to our place and maybe she'll want to get lunch. Or I can drive to Mario's work and get the key. So, I drove over to Rene's house. She wasn't home. No problem, she's probably at the library and the library is on the way to mario's work...perfect.

This is where I should tell you that I was avoiding going to Mario's work. When I ran out of the house, I had only planned on moving the car. I hadn't showered yet. So, I threw on some less than great clothing choices. Normally, when I show up at Mario's work, I want to look pretty good...not have my hair sticking up all over. I'd rather look like a trophy wife than the crazy looking troll. So, as I rolled past the library and saw Rene's car wasn't there either, I threw some lipgloss on that shit and hoped everyone at Mario's work was at lunch.

They weren't all at lunch. However, they are a room full of artists, I forgot they like the lights off. They work by the light of the computers! Thank the lord! So, I just strolled back to Mario's desk and shocked him by appearing out of the dark. Of course, he laughed at me when I told him that I locked myself out of the house...but offered to take me to lunch.

We had a nice lunch date and I dropped him back off at work. He gave me his copy of the house key and I headed back to face that poop by the door. However, mid way home, I decided to take the car through a drive thru car wash. I mean, I'm already out right?

Adjusting my route home, I pulled up at the car wash and there were three cars ahead of me. The first car was pulling out of the wash. The second car is punching in the code to redeem his wash and starting to head in. The third car pulls up to the kiosk and waits like he's supposed to. I pull up behind him and wait, thinking it would be really nice to have my phone to check emails or words with friends. That's when I notice the guy in front of me reach out to the kiosk to punch in his code...before the other guy is hardly even started. This is a big no no! The signs say wait to punch in your code until the other car is exiting. The kiosk even says this before you punch in the code. Remember my car wash problem of 2009? ONLY PUNCH THE CODE IN WHEN THE OTHER CAR IS LEAVING! I yell "NOOOOO!!!" Of course my window is up and he doesn't hear shit.

The carwash stops half way through the wash cycle and car number 2 is now confused, pissed, and his car is covered in soap. Car number three is oblivious that he has even caused this problem and is yelling at car number two to leave the car wash. I sat there watching, trying to decide if a car wash is necessary at this point. I start to back up and realize how narrow and curvy the entrance is. I tried for a bit to back out and realized it was hopeless. They designed this car wash to trap you in. So, I waited. Car number two sat there for a while...probably calling the attendant. Then he started to pull out and car three started pulling in thinking he was going to wash his car. Car number two tried to stay for the wash...and I was trapped. All because I locked myself out of the house.

This went on for a while, but they finally figured their shit out. They both ended up having to drive around and get back in line. The attendant reset the machine and I was able to wash my car...good thing, because it looked like a pterodactyl had shit on my car. I got home to clean up the poop by the front door. Then, as I walked to the back door to let the dogs out, I realized the back door had been unlocked the whole time.

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