Bologna

The only real pull I have at the restaurant is the advertising. As the official "Marketing Director" and knower of the internets, Rene really relies on me to make the marketing decisions. It's pretty easy really. We have a zero budget, so as long as it fits in there...we're great! Every once in a while we break the rule, but it needs to be a very sweet deal.

Generally when something interesting comes through, I'll get a call from Rene asking me to run down to the restaurant for a quick meeting or to give someone a call. It's generally a pretty easy thing to deal with...a quick "no" usually answers the question. However, Monday, Rene called me to talk to a gentleman with an advertising proposal. I was going to be heading down the restaurant soon, so he decided to wait and talk to me in person.

He was selling very expensive advertising spots in a cheap little magazine that he hands out at his plays. He's an actor...and boy did he lay it on thick! He was working towards an Emmy. He made me happy, he made made me feel thoughtful, he tried flattery. "I've heard the best reviews about your restaurant! My audience raves about your food! Why would people rave so much unless it was a simply wonderful restaurant!"...he made me laugh. Nice try sir. Sweet talking is one way to make a sale. However, he must have felt my indifference to his advertising, so he went in for the kill...

Actor enter stage right "Well lovely lady, what is your favorite food?"

Lovely lady...I mean Me "Well, let's see. I'd say sushi is my favorite food"

Very Serious Actor looks at me very very seriously, tears up a little, then says "My brother. My baby brother! Married a Yugoslavian woman. She was young and beautiful. She married him for his money, you see. She wanted his money and wanted him to take care of her. She refused to cook for him. So my baby brother had to go find his own food. The only restaurant around was one sushi restaurant across the street. He ate there three times a day!..."

He paused and stared at me straight in the eye.

Then he continued, "I went to visit him one day. He didn't recognize me! He did not know who I was! Do you know how devastating that was? The doctor told me he had Alzheimers. For the three months, he had been eating sushi three times a day and it had given him Alzheimers! He didn't know who I was!"...very important pause..."Well, three months later I went to visit my baby brother and he had died! DIED!"

He stopped again to look at me. 

"The doctor said it was the raw fish. That raw fish he had consumed turned into mercury in his blood! You can not eat that sushi any more! I feel god has sent me here to tell you to not eat sushi! The only people who can eat raw fish are Asian people! They are the only people who's bodies know how to process raw fish. So, you cannot eat raw fish!"

We sat there and he stared at me. for. a. very. long. time. He just stared at me, trying to make me uncomfortable. Then I said "Well, fish doesn't turn into mercury sir. Certain fish do contain more mercury than others, but I don't think I eat enough to do me harm. I only eat sushi once or twice a month...not three times a day. "

Actor "Well, if your little brother died...died from sushi would you eat it again? If your loved one died because of this, could you really eat it again? I bet not!"

Me "Well, probably not. I do apologize for you loss."

Actor "I think I was sent here by God to intervene. I was meant to stop you from eating sushi!"

He really thought that he had given the best performance of his life. I think he expected me to write out a check right there and then. Not a chance.

Me "So, what's the deadline on the advertising...."

Then just like a switch, he was back "Oh I'll call tomorrow and set you up! I just hear so many raving reviews of your restaurant! I'll even give you free tickets to one of my shows! You can talk to my audience!" (No thank you sir, I just saw a performance)

Then he popped up and took off. I looked over at one of the guys that works at the restaurant. "Did you hear that load of bullshit?"

One thing you should always remember! You can't bullshit a bullshitter! Don't think you can come in here and pull one over on me! I knew you were lying when you said that your patrons rave about our restaurant! Well, good sir, some people do rave, but I read every online review about our restaurant...people aren't raving like you say they are!

Also, you might play the little old man card, but you are still an actor. I know actors and I know the loads and loads of shit they shovel! Your act was good. When you felt me slipping you went for the guilt! You thought that you'd get this girl by making her feel bad for you! Nice try, but the minute you asked me what my favorite food was, I knew it was a script. I knew you had probably already asked Rene that same question. I knew that whatever her answer was, your brother will have died from that favorite food like he died from sushi. She will fall for the guilt. That is why she called me in to tell you that we weren't interested. She knows I'm heartless tougher when it comes to salesmen and have no problem telling someone no. That's why she called me.

I'm sure this all sounds a little harsh...but the minute I talked to Rene, I found out baby brother had not only died from sushi, but he had died from Mexican food as well! Imagine that! It was quite a performance. The only thing it was really missing was the tears. Had be given me some real tears, I would have written out a check right then and there!

Plus, don't you think God had more important things going on than sending you to stop me from eating sushi? If he wants me to stop eating sushi, all he has to do is give me a bit of food poisoning and I'd be off it for a good long time! It would probably be a lot easier than listening to that performance he just gave!