Tuesday, June 14, 2011


You know that guilty feeling you get when you are being followed by a police car? You've done nothing wrong, broken no laws, don't have any warrants out for your arrest, but still you feel guilty. As I've grown older, calmed down, and become a better driver, I've learned that it's not necessary to feel guilty. It's a waste of adrenaline really and most of the time I'm driving mostly legal. Not much to worry about when you drive like a grandma.

However, today I discovered a place that illicits the guilt in me. Guilt and paranoia. I suppose it's the cameras...there are a ton of cameras in every corner pointed at every angle watching your every move.

The bank. I will take the drive up window and the ATM over going inside any day of the week. It's not a lazy thing. It's that feeling of being watched. Who are they looking for? Bank Robbers. So what do I worry about...looking like a bank robber. Yeah. Stupid, I know. I'm sure I'm not giving off the bank robber energy. But then I see all the cameras...then I tense up...then I think "oh shit, relax or you'll look guilty"...then I try to relax and look nonchalant...which probably makes me look more guilty. It's a lame and vicious circle.

The thing is, I'm sure I'm not the only person standing there thinking this. So all us dorks are standing there kinda looking at each other, pretending to be cool...and looking guilty and tense...and kind of wondering if the other person in line actually is a bank robber.

So yesterday, I finished up my deposit and started to walk towards the door. I  passed in front of everyone in line without incident. However, as I walked past the seating area, there was an older gentleman seated. He was very handsome and very cool looking. Nice suit, sunglasses, arm up on the seat back next to him, legs crossed and so at ease in front of all those cameras(unlike me). He honestly reminded me of "The Most Interesting Man in the World" from the beer commercial, he was that cool. I couldn't see his eyes behind his sunglasses, but I felt him watching me(he could have been asleep for all I know).

That's when it kicked in...oh god I hope my zipper isn't down! Why does it feel like my zipper is down? Then the Oh-god-if-I-reach-down-and-check-my-zipper-then-I'll-look-like-I'm-Checking-to-see-if-my-zipper-is-down. So what's worse, your zipper possibly being down but pretending not to notice until you get to your car and can check...or to put your hand down in the crotch-ular area to check if your zipper is down and it's not, but you still look like a dork for checking?

I decided to not check. I straightened my back and decided to own it. If the barn door is open, then it's open. I'm not going to feel on myself just to find out that my zipper is in fact up. Because a girl checking her fly on the way out of the bank is so classy!

Maybe it's the cameras. Maybe it's all those shifty eyes. More likely I'm just a self-conscious dork that has far too many random embarrassing accidents. Either way I feel guiltier than a whore in church...I'll still to the ATMs.

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