Friday, December 05, 2008

I accidently took a turn onto Serious street...

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Even with the Christmas presents waiting for us around the corner, Thanksgiving is the holiday that has always made me far happier than all the rest. It was a more about being laid back and just appreciating being with family.

About five years ago it took a bitter sweet turn on me. That thanksgiving five years ago was the last time I saw my father. My sister and I had decided to leave the thanksgiving weekend a little early to drive down to Disneyland. As my sister and I pulled out of the drive, my dad was the only one left outside waving us goodbye. The last thing I said to him was "I love you" as we drove away. It's a picture that is so clear in my head. My sister Lindsay and I had a fun weekend. The end of the weekend came. She went back home to northern california and I went back to work. A few days later my mom called to tell me that my father had died.

What has happen since then has been a lot of crying, a lot of learning how to deal with the loss of someone so close, a lot of growing up, and most of all, a lot of learning about myself. I can say without a doubt that I am not the same person that answered my mother's phone call that night. Despite the reason for all of this change, I love myself so much more now. I wish my dad could see this version of me and see what I've become. Then there's definitely part of me that knows he's here and can see it.

One thing that my sister and I know is that he's around us. We can generally tell who he's with. I can say, "he's with you" and she'll agree. I've been in situations that were a little unsure and I asked my dad to protect me and keep me safe. It's pretty amazing to feel the energy change in the room and realize that everything will be fine. Maybe you don't believe in that sort of thing, I do a little bit more now.

Really the whole point of this long post was to tell you about what I think are little signs from my dad. Maybe they're all coincidence, who's for me. About a month after my dad died, I was living with my friend and her husband. My friend and I were on this workout schedule that got us up at 5:30 in the morning. I was sitting on the edge bed one morning and was trying to wake up a little. My tv was on a bookshelf about a foot and a half from me and the bed. All of a sudden the tv turned on. I just stared at it...then reached for it and turned it off with the power button. It turned back on. I pushed the power on the tv again and turned it off. Then it turned on and off, on and off, on and off. I just said "please stop" and it stopped. Later I told my friend about it and she said it was totally my dad's style. I agreed. Of course, her visiting father-in-law said that someone probably had the same remote frequency and we were having dueling remotes. For one, I was turning the power off at the tv. No remote. And at 5 in the morning? Nah, I knew it was my dad letting me know he was there. Ever since, every time I have moved, I have gotten that same show. Different tvs, same situation.

Of course I have been thinking of my dad lately. Last week I was in the living room working, when I heard the tv in the bedroom turn on. I just yelled out "hi dad" and kept working. Of course Bob was trying to figure out what the crap was going on in there. It just made me happy. It's happened a few other times too. Like in the middle of the night. We sleep with the tv on, I've woken up with it turning off a few times lately. Maybe it's not really my dad. However, it gives me comfort to know he's around and saying hi.

I'll tell you about the birthday surprise I got last year...that was a shock!


  1. That's a great photo of your dad... he's got the kindest eyes.

    I'm sorry for your loss. I think it's one of the most difficult tragedies, losing a parent. No matter how close or distant your relationship was with a parent, it's a primal loss and cuts the deepest. I am not particularly close to either of my parents, but I've always felt (and envied) for the people who lost a parent that they were particularly close to.

    Thanks for sharing, it's always nice to read about people who are comforted by feeling the presence of a loved one.

  2. Oops, that was me, I don't know why it came out anonymous.

  3. I thought that might be you on anonymous. Yeah he was a good guy. I think the thing I miss the most is being able to call him up and tell him something stupid I did....although I suppose he has front row seats now.


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