Friday, April 01, 2011

The Longest Hour of My Life, Deserve the Longest Blog of My Life

When I am sick, I want nothing more than to hide under blankets, sleep, throw a pity party, and sleep some more. However, that wasn't happening this time. On this day, I had mister "un-fix-it" man walking around here acting all nice and then making a mess...and then one of Mario's buddies showed up to say hi. 

Remember Mario's friend Mister shakes my hand and then goes in for the awkward hug and ends with the big sloppy kiss on the cheek? Well, he decided to stop by and say hi to Mario. Unfortunately, Mario had gotten this last minute job and had only left minutes earlier. I can't do the "he's not here, bye!" even if I wanted to. So, I was proper and invited him in. 

When you go to someone's house to visit and your friend isn't there, how long do you stay for? Let me give you a little more to chew on. I am good friends with some of Mario's friends. Some of his friends I can hang out with, go to lunch with, and talk with no problem. I don't know all that well though and he talks about  really off stuff. Mario has a lot more patience for him than I do. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike him, I just can only handle him in small doses. 

I invited him in thinking he'd say hi, then hearing Mario was at work, he'd say he had to take off. Nope. He stayed for half an hour. It was pleasant enough, but whole time I was thinking "man I just want to sleep and cough and blow my nose in peace and quiet, so would you just leave already!". Then mister un-fix-it came out and said something about paint drying and he'd be back in an hour. I figured Friend would take this opportunity to leave, seeing I looked miserable (I was totally working the miserable look). 

But he didn't. No, he just pushed the pillows on the couch around and made himself more comfortable! NOOO dammit! He kept talking. By the one hour mark, I was in disbelief. Why was he staying? I wasn't the most enthusiastic person to talk to. I was hopped up on meds...thank god or I wouldn't have made it honestly.

Then at the hour and a half mark, mister un-fix-it man came back to put on another coat of paint. At this point I came out of my stupor and finally realized that Friend was still talking about god knows what and I was stuck! How was he still here? What was keeping him here! How do I get him to leave?

Luckily, mister un-fix-it came out again to ask if I wanted to take a look at his work. I flew off the couch! I was gonna look at that bathroom and let my ears take a break! I took every opportunity to take as much time as I could. I pointed out paint drops and this and that and oh that's a cool tool...what is it? oh a hammer...we actually have one of those...please don't make me go back out there and make conversation!

Alas, the bathroom is small and mister un-fix-it was hinting that I should leave, so he could finish making a mess and leave. I hung my head and moped my way back to the couch. I was clear headed enough to grab my phone though. If Friend didn't leave soon, I was going to start sending out Sos messages!

I sat back down on the couch and pulled my blanket up to my chin. Hoping that I would look pathetic enough to get my point across. Nope. He was settled in his cozy spot on the couch and now had my cat cuddling on him...traitor.

Hour two rolled painfully around and mister un-fix-it decided he was finished...was he really finished, no, but he was my only hope of a break from all the talking and I didn't want him to leave. I started feeling desperate. I sent Mario a message "Friend showed up 20 minutes after you left and won't leave! He just keeps talking!...zzzz" His response "sorry babe"...that's it. Jerk. Where was my rescue! His friend has been sitting on our couch for two hours!

Hour three was a blur. There was talk of bikes, his sister the biologist, neuroplasticity (I'm proud to say this was me. I thought if I used big words he'd didn't work so I shut back up and let him talk), conversation then moved on to a pain relief machine, giving up his office so his kids didn't have to share a room, man they fight, then computer talk, laptop talk, megabytes, gigabytes, japan, more bikes, neighbors thought about sending another SOS but I had started giving up. How had he been here for three hours! I have never done this! (Well, except last friday when I went out to lunch with friends and then made ourselves at home at our friend's house until something like 9pm. But that's different because her mom was cooking, and we were watching tv, and it was relaxing, and we told her to let us know when we  needed to leave...see it's different right?)

There was, however, a ray of sunshine at one point. Friend's phone rang. I love you who ever you were that called! It sounded important. He got up and went outside for privacy. I jumped up and did a happy dance! Woo Hoo!

Then he came back in and sat back down. I very nearly cried. But he was already talking about how he should be at a meeting for the teaching position he would be starting soon. He was talking about computer programs he needed to learn. more computer talk. Basketball talk. My medicine was wearing off now. I really needed to blow my nose...he's been talking for over three hours! Who cares. I let out a big honking nose blow. He was polite enough to pause so I wouldn't miss any of his conversation. How nice.

And then he continued on! And talked through to hour four! Four hours! He ended on a high note though. He encouraged me to look up the area 731 or 734 Japan torture wonderful, I think I will. Then he promptly got up and said he needed to pick up the kids from school. Well, don't let me keep you sir...don't want the kids waiting around. Then he moved like he was gonna do the awkward handshake sloppy kiss and paused..."well, I'd give you a hug but you look like you are coming down with something. You might want to catch a nap" Then he was gone...are you f'ing kidding me! Yes, I need a damn nap!

I didn't let it get to me too much though...because finally every one was gone! I sat in the quiet for a few minutes before I sent one last message to Mario letting him know how long his friend had been here. 

Me -"Four hours!!!! He was here for four hours!!! He finally left!"
Mario - "I'm sorry to hear that baby. That sounds excruciating!"
Me - "You have no idea"
Mario - "Well, that might have been my fault. I told him to stop by and say hi. Then I got the call for the job and forgot to tell him. Sorry babes"

Are you kidding me!! He's gonna pay for this! I haven't figured out how...but mark my words, I will get back at him...after my nap...

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