Venting and a Reward

Last week Mario's sister gave Mario and the baby the greatest gift of all...a nasty cold. I was a bit mad. I told her to steer clear of the baby. If you are sick, do everyone a favor and stay in quarantine. It's not fair to pass the crap to everyone else because you feel the need to be in the living room and don't cover your mouth when ya cough...you old enough to know how colds are spread.

Mario came home from work at lunch one day last week and collapsed into bed. Then the baby started coughing. Mama was not happy at all. It fully hit the baby just after bedtime. She spent an hour crying. I felt so bad for her. She was so uncomfortable and achy. Needless to say, Mario was irritated when his sister came out of her room at midnight to ask if the baby was crying because she was teething. Uhh no, you gave her the nasty cooties. So there was a trip to the pharmacy at midnight for a humidifier (a miracle worker!) 

Mario was out 2 days from work. The baby was down most of the weekend. She was a top notch grouch...rightfully so! It was trying to say the least. Single mother of two sick whiny babies! haha.

We made it through the weekend though and then Mario's sister left town for work a few days ago. I have to admit it's a great to have the house to ourselves. I really really appreciate that my SIL has given us this opportunity to live here, however, even after 6 months of living here...it still is her house and her space. 

I feel like there is this constant reminder any time I move something...my stuff, my house. It's strange cooking in someone else's pots and using someone else's utensils and not knowing if it's really ok or it's merely being tolerated. There is a stack of laundry on the dryer that I don't know where to put, because it's not my place to go through dressers to find where things go. So it's just accumulates. 

As I've stated before, we are much more active with the cleaning. Dishes included. There was a pot in the sink for 3 weeks because she didn't want to put the effort in to cleaning the burned on cheese from her work party...or maybe she thinks this is something we owe her for living here? Mario finally gave in...I wasn't happy that he did it, but it was disgusting.

There's a leak on the faucet in the front yard. It's only gotten worse in the last few weeks. We are in a drought...we are wasting so much water! She's tried putting a sealant on it, but it's a cracked pipe...sorry, you need a plumber now. No we needed a plumber 2 weeks ago!

It's frustrating to say the least. It's been made painfully clear that it's her house and her decision on how things go. I've gotten good at keeping my mouth shut. It's just been hard going from being a family that really takes action when a problem arises or when things just need to be taken care of...to living under the roof of someone who likes to sit on decisions for months at a time.

So, I might have been a little excited to hear we would have the house to ourselves...I mean besides not having to worry about being heard during sexy time. It's nice to make meals without worrying if she's making dinner, made plans that somehow include us, or feeling a bit of judgement for ordering pizza two Friday's in a row. Washing clothes without feeling like I'm being timed. It's nice to watch a little tv in the living room without it being changed to something she wants to watch. It's just nice not to worry about what I'm doing that might be upsetting her. It's very freeing and I haven't been this level of happy in a while. I mean I am a happy person...but this is singing on the hilltops happy!

It's a nice to have a little extra freedom and happiness after all the sickness last week. I hope I don't sound too ungrateful! I really do appreciate being able to live here and save money for a house. I know that I will appreciate our house even more for it. I know we are giving up a bit of freedom now and a lot of space for a few years. The return will be our own home. It's well worth it...I just need to vent sometimes. 

Back to Reality

Today was back to reality. Mario went back to work after a 5 week hiatus. This happens once a year, or so, between seasons of the television show he's working on. The writers need to get a jump on the next season before the animators start work on it. Usually he works through hiatus, either on extra stuff for the show or at another studio. This time the hiatus was fairly short and he really felt like he needed that vacation.

This was all perfect timing because we got our current foster placement, Joy, the week before hiatus started. So, I had the first week getting to know her myself, figuring out her schedule and feeding. Then Mario was off for the next month...and that was wonderful!

I love being able to tag team parenting. I loved being able to book all my shoots without having to think about lining up child care. It all works quite well between us. When I needed to get out and run around, he was with her or when he needed out, I was with her. He was able to spend time catching up with friends, working on personal art, and doing daddy duty. We were also able to really take her out to parks, the zoo and aquarium, and even have a nice family lunch or dinner. I think it was a great time for bonding with the little turd.

The countdown to his going back to work started 2 weeks ago...more for me than him probably. So, today while he was back at work...we were missing him. I didn't have any shoots or any pressing work, so that was nice. Man what a day though! Joy was having one of those bi-polar toddler days. Laughing one minute...crying the next. I was going between frustrated and laughing at how fast it all changed. It was all I could do really. She ate and slept well, ran around, played...but Monday was just too much for her.

I'm sure we both just missed having dad around. Luckily he worked it out that he can get home at a normal time. So we were able to cook dinner together and took turns hitting repeat on her favorite cd...anything to keep her on the happier side. By the time Aunt Angela came home, she was a pretty happy camper...of course it was then off to bed.

The one thing about Joy, and reason I've decided to call her Joy in my blog, is that even when she's in a crappy mood like today...she's still fun to be around. She wakes up happy and really is a Joy to be around! Tomorrow I hope we are on more of an even keel! The housekeeper/babysitter will be here cleaning. So during nap time, I'll run off to a shoot and hopefully be back before she's up. There really isn't anything better than seeing her little smiling happy face when she wakes up in the morning or from a nap. We really love this little girl!

Things that are making my head explode today

I know these are small things, but over the last few weeks, they've been making me crazy.

1. Why all the Christmas stuff can't go in one place. 90% of it's in the garage. Then there are things in this closet, some things in a drawer, and two boxes of ornaments that are sitting in the middle of a bedroom. The organizer in me thinks this is ridiculous. What's the point? It was pointed out that I was raised to appreciate logic...this is not logical.

2. People who are passive aggressive. Come on people, talk to each other. You are all human beings, communicate! Drop the power trip you are getting from being passive aggressive...it's not communicating anything. There is far more power in just talking your issue out with someone. I know it can be scary to say what needs to be said and the other person might not like it, but it goes so much farther than these stupid mind games where people are supposed to know why you are acting mad but saying everything is ok. Here's the other part of communicating...listening to what the other person has to say. And I'm not talking about you just telling someone why they are wrong and a bad person...I'm saying work through problems together. Imagine what could be accomplished if we use communication!

3. This is a little business complaint...people who don't pay their bill. I have one client who has two invoices due since September. There have been lots of promises and it's in the mail...and I've seen nothing. And now communication has stopped. I've even sent messages saying that I don't want our professional relationship to end or be hurt, I just want the issue resolved(see communication!). However, I think I have to take this up the line. It's time to speak with someone higher up at the company. Unfortunately, if that doesn't work, I have to take it to small claims court. I feel like it's such a simple solution to pay the bill. Even if it was a money issue, I would take payments. Oh the excitement of owning your own business! After 10 years, I'm still learning!

4. People who don't understand how loud they are. One of the things taught to us by my father was to be aware of how loud we were walking. His apartment was on the second story. We were taught to be very aware of how loud it might be for her below us. This definitely came full circle when I lived on the bottom floor of a two story building. Now with a baby, I'm fully aware of how loud people are. On the one hand, I don't think a child should be raised in an absolutely quiet house. I think they need to learn to sleep with noise around. However, we have a light sleeper and a loud adult in the house. I know most of the time adult doesn't hear how loud she is. However, there are times when it's deliberate. I don't see any reason for someone to stand outside a napping baby's door and yell for Mario. Also, slamming the front door in irritation, knowing that the baby is sleeping, is really rude. Not to me, go ahead and slam the door. However, you are being rude to that baby you love. They are affected. This is where I use my communication as much as possible...who am I kidding, it's irritating as hell.

I know these are all things that are really a small part of the big picture. I know they will be gone soon enough and I will have forgotten about them...the Christmas stuff is already mostly forgotten. However, these are the things I feel like I'm complaining about most lately. Poor Mario and Colleen have heard enough about my trying to collect payment and how loud someone stomps down the hall. I also know that if I vent now, it keeps it from building up. Already better!

Goals for the New Year?

This year I'm concentrating on balancing my personal life and business life better. So, the idea would be to come up with goals or ways to make sure that balance happens. hah! I spent January ignoring the goal thing and just generally denying the fact that it's really a new year. Today I finally decided to stop trying so hard...in other words I decided to give up and just go with what I have.

1st goal -you already know, more writing on this blog! I'm already happy that this is happening. It's my mini therapy session. I like the documentation, working through a situation in my head and then getting it written down. Sometimes, the result is way different than what the original idea started as. It's an interesting process to me.

2nd goal- Read more. This is one of the things that has really taken a hit in my life. When business is crazy and life is busy, I seem to forget to read. However, this is the one thing that really lets me turn it all off for a bit and get lost. What could be better to help me balance life and turn off work after hours! Read some damn books woman! One of the things I made an effort to do when we moved, was bring in all my books from the garage. I purged the books I didn't want and kept the stuff that seemed interesting. Now they are in my room on a book shelf ready to grab and go.

3rd goal - No more phones at the dinner table. This is purely a rule for me. However, it's funny to see how people turn off their phone when they notice that you are sitting there staring at them while they browse facebook. The other trick is to keep talking until they can't concentrate on their phone. I figure, if we are going out to dinner, we should be talking and enjoying each other company. There are the odd times when this rule can be broken...when I have to look up a bit of information that has to do with the conversation or educational purposes. This really hasn't been as hard to keep up as I thought originally.

4th goal - and probably the more embarrassing goals I absolutely needed to set...no more phones in the bathroom! If I really need entertainment in the bathroom, I can read a damn book...then that helps cover goal #2!

These goals are aimed at making time to do things that I enjoy in life. This is also a way for me to get my life back from facebook. It's not enjoyable for me, yet it takes up so much of my spare time. I'm not sure when facebook became my go-to for when I'm bored...but it also became my go-to for when I'm not bored also. I feel like it became a habit to pick up my phone and look at what people are doing. I mean when I have to make a rule not to bring my phone into the bathroom with me...that means I'm spending too much time on facebook! This is precious time that could be spent playing with our little girl or reading a book to her.

I have to say, I don't feel like I'm making any big leaps or commitments here, but I'm pretty content with the little changes I'm making.  I feel like I am trying to be more conscious of where my time is spent and investing my time in something that I consider to have more quality than political bullshit or drama. When I started writing this blog, I thought they might be half ass goals, but really they are all about enjoyment...what could be a better goals to meet!

On Fostering

I was talking to Mario the other night and mentioned that in May it will be two years from when we started this fostering adventure. However, we've technically only been parents for four of those months.

It's been totally different than what I thought it would be like. It took nearly a year to get our first placement. Between getting home studies, taking classes, preparations and our social worker going on emergency leave, we didn't get a placement until April. Almost a year after we started the process. We really thought we'd have had a placement much earlier. However, life reared it's head.

Our first placement was a toddler. He was our first big test. Going from no kids to a toddler was hard. However, he was smart beyond his years and because of that we had to keep an eye on him. That cute booger was into everything and loved being outdoors. He was with us until mid July.

 He was our first good bye. I still miss him every day. I have a hard time looking through photos of him and not getting emotional. He was our first baby and taught us so much. More importantly, how to love unconditionally.

Then because of our move and trying to get my sister-in-law's home ready for inspection, it took until November to get us licensed again.

We got our second call for a newborn foster placement the week before Christmas. We were supposed to pick her up on Friday, but because of her situation, we didn't get to pick her up until Monday before Christmas. We visited her every day at the hospital. Got to know her and her schedule, fed her and cuddled her. When we did take her home, it was interesting because it was top secret. The hospital took the situation very seriously. They were very careful to make sure we never ran into the parents or the family. The nurses actually wheeled me out in a wheelchair, so I'd look like I was just a normal mother leaving with my baby.

That was a minute by minute situation. Things changed so quickly, even her social worker was baffled. We had her for two nights and then she was ordered to go with a family member. The judge thought she should be with family for Christmas. I totally agreed, but had to say good bye to our Christmas baby. We learned a lot in those few days with her. She was sweet and content. She never cried. I was also able to get over my small fear of newborns. I was having those same dreams pregnant moms have, where you dream you forget the baby somewhere or don't change them. Those dreams are the worst! However, this sweet girl got me over that!

A few weeks later and we are with our third placement. A 1 year old little girl. Tomorrow is court. So, hopefully tomorrow night, we'll find out how long we'll have this sweet girl with us. Depending on court, this is the only placement that looks semi long term and they have even mentioned adoption. I have to be realistic though and keep in mind that like all foster placements, things can change so fast. I have to expect the worst and hope for the best. Until then, we'll enjoy our time with her!

I think the one thing we've learned is to never assume you know how it will go. Every placement has been different. Well, different on the outside. On the inside, it's about loving these babies for as long as we have them. Foster care is an adventure and a complete mystery!

Lets Talk Moving

We moved. We really didn't tell many people. It was one of those things that we have talked about and rejected for the last year and a half or so. Then all of a sudden...we changed our minds.

Some time after my mother in law passed away, Mario's sister discussed us moving in with her. She has a big house, that she was now living in alone. We pretty much passed on the idea pretty quick. We just didn't think it would be a good idea. Of course, once a month or so, one of us would bring it up, kick it around and the other would veto the idea immediately. She's a woman set in her ways. We are a married couple set in our ways. While Mario is very adaptable and mellow, we couldn't see how the two opinionated women could live happily and not butt heads. It just didn't seem worth the trouble and potential fallout.

However, if we moved in with her, we wouldn't have to pay rent. That was the huge draw for us. We want to buy a home so badly and the best way for us to save up a lot of money is to move in with Angela. Like I said, we really talked about it for a long time and couldn't see the situation working...and also couldn't see us passing up being able to save so much money.

Then we saw a change. Last April we got our first foster placement. Our little boy. We fell in love...and Angela also fell absolutely in love. It was such a big change that we saw in her. She was so happy to be around him. It was a side we really hadn't seen in a long time. After our foster son left foster care and went to live with a family member, the idea of us moving in with her was brought up again.

This time we took the idea a little more seriously. If our foster son came back into care, because of his age, the only way we could have him again was if we had a second bedroom. If we moved in with Angela, we would have access to two bedrooms in her home. One for us and one for our kid/s. This would mean that we could expand the age range that we foster and/or have a sibling set. It would also mean saving a huge amount of money and being able to pay down any bills.

So last September, we packed up our apartment, got rid of as much stuff as we could, organized a bit of Angela's home, and moved in. It was a lot of work. A lot of work. But we did it. It actually took us a lot longer to get set up and inspected for foster care again, but we are finally up and going again!

We have always lived pretty simple. Since Mario and I have lived together, we've always lived small. Now we live even smaller. Most of our belongings are in the garage. The rest is in our bedroom. Two desks for working, our big bed, our huge bookshelf with all of our books and tv on it...and our four animals! The kids room is just for them. Crib, bed, bookshelf, toys, etc. It's a very parred down life...but the benefits are big.

After four months there have only been a few hiccups. It helps that everyone works a lot. It's definitely hard being a person who loves to organize and keep clean, living with a person who loves their stuff around them. However, my eye is on the prize! We are able to foster, and have more area for the animals to run around...they love it here! And hopefully soon, we'll have our own house to with what we want!

Getting a hold of 2016!

You know how I get every January...new year, new clean slate! It feels a little different this year though.

Mostly because all our goals and plans have been laid out and thought over for the past 2 years or more. Mario and I are always keeping tabs on our goals. It's really same 'ole, same 'ole around here. Save up for house, pay off bills, become parents, work, work, work, build business, work on art. Not that all of it doesn't make me excited. I just feel like my plans to reach those goals are the same as they have been. That's fine though. I'm happy with it. I'm happy to see out those long term goals!

I think what I've decided to do instead, is work on balancing my life around those goals we've set. In the last year, my business has grown and become a more stable income. We've become foster parents and are on our third placement. We have moved in with Mario's sister to save a ton of money. Mario is on his 6th season of Bob's Burgers and has been working on some really cool art for himself. All of which deserve blog posts!

Those blogs will definitely be coming! Because one of the things I think I miss most is writing! I miss coming here to tell you what is happening. I miss being able to laugh about something or tell you something stupid that happened or just talk out an issue I'm having. I've seen so many blogs burn out, I think I want to light that spark again!

Goal #1 to balancing business and pleasure...more writing! I can't say how often I'll meet you here, but I'll definitely try!

Next up, I think is telling you about moving in with Mario's sister. See you here soon! xoxo!

Thoughts on Fostering

3 months ago we welcomed the coolest kid into our house. We could never imagine how much our lives would change. It flipped us around, changed our world, showed us patience, craziness, and lots of love...and it's our new normal. 

Now in a week and a half, we will be saying goodbye to our cool kid. I'm not sure how I feel yet.

When I first got the call, it was for a 1 year old that needed to be fostered for 2-3 weeks. I thought this would be the perfect "starter" foster case. It would be a good, fun age to start with and short enough to get our feet wet. This would give us a taste of what we were in for. Naive, right?!

What we got was a 18 month old for 3 months. Going from zero children to a toddler was insane! The anxiety that we felt that first week was out of control. Where do you start? There was no easing from sleepless nights with an newborn to infant then to toddler. It was abrupt. All of a sudden, there was this adorable stranger in our house who loved to scream, tantrum, eat and poop. 

In one week, we learned what could be climbed on, pulled off, jumped on, ripped up, carried around and chewed on. I also learned that there is nothing better than rocking a baby to sleep. I love to hear that little voice call me "mama" and Mario "daddy". I love the giggles and to see that brain working things out. The kid is smart! I found out that I could fall in completely in love in a few days...all while knowing that he'd be leaving in a week or two.

In one month, we figured out that dcfs is on a different schedule. 2-3 weeks means something different to them...we were ok with that. We figured out how we were going to deal with tantrums, hitting, child care, running a business with a toddler around and adjusting marriage to fit a new being in. We saw daily changes to his behaviors. We became the people that he comes to for love, security, and silliness. We know craisins are the key to a quiet child. I love craisins...I also love nap time! We also found out that you don't sleep train a toddler...they sleep train you. 

In two months, we became more comfortable with parenting. We felt more comfortable taking him out to restaurants and shopping. It was around this time that we really saw how much our decision to foster affected our family and friends. They were all in love also. It was around this time that we really started hoping that the plan that was set in place for him, would fall through and he could stay with us. However, we found out he'd be leaving us for sure. An order to move him has been made. This guy who turned our life around would be leaving as planned. I had allowed myself to hope that he'd stay. 

At the three month mark, parenting has become comfortable. But, I see the end date coming up quick. I don't think about how I'll feel, it doesn't matter how I feel. I worry about him. He'll be moving in with family. Family he should be with. But I still worry about this one last move. In 18 months, he's been moved around a number of times. 

When the doorbell rings or there is a knock at the door, he screams and runs to me for security. It took a while for me to figure out why he was freaking out...until one day he screamed "they get me!" My heart sank. He is at an age where he remembered being removed from his last home. He knows what it means to hear a knock at the door and to be removed from a home and family he has gotten to know and even love. So many times there has been a knock at the door and I have said "It's ok, baby. You're safe. No one is going to get you." Now I know, there is a knocking coming when I can't say "It's ok. No one is coming to get you. " 

I'm terrified for him. I cry because I won't be able to explain why we won't be there any more. I cry because I know it's not just him and us that will hurt...our family and friends will hurt also when he's gone. I've already told his social worker that we want him back if it doesn't work out with his family. I don't want it not to work out for him. I don't want him moved one more time...but I'm selfish enough to hope he comes back to us. 

Waiting

We are official! Mario and I were fully licensed and ready for a placement on January 1st. Expect a call any minute!

We are still waiting for that call. I'm trying to be very patient. I know that when it's right, we will get the call. It's hard though. A lot of change is just a phone call away. Such a simple thing will change how we live. I feel like it's harder waiting for a phone call, than it was taking all the classes and making the preparations. At least we were keeping busy. Now it's just waiting and there's not much we can do about it.

Every day since January 1st, I wake up and think maybe today will be the day we get a call. It's really making me crazy. Partially because our social worker and everything I've read has said that we should have gotten a call right away. That first week. Weekends are even harder, because I know we probably won't get a call on that day.

So, I do what I do best...try to organize everything! My office area is looking good. I've attacked my camera gear. I have my sites on the kitchen for the second time in two months. The garage was attacked yesterday. Closets have been organized but have a few things to finish it up. I'm sure I can find more if I really try!

Until that special call comes in, I'll be patient and really try not to call our social worker every day...I will try very hard.

Goals

While we are very very patiently waiting for a call from the state for our home inspection, I'm trying to get the house and our life organized and then more organized. I really want to get things finished now, so that when we get a foster placement, we can spend all our time on that and not fiddly stuff.

This means I have one of those lists that I make each week and just keep adding to it.
-Put up the hanging pendant reading lights up in the bedroom (we've had these for almost a year, because I couldn't decide if the shades were too small. Turns out they look great.)
-Organize the linen closet again. Strike that, organizing all the closets again.
-Rearranging the kitchen to include kiddy stuffs. How is it that we have so much random crap in the kitchen that we never use! Also, our tupperware is like a living thing, some multiplies while others disappear.
-Making a better work station for me. I have no storage. So the person that thrives on organization, really has very little.
-Adding baby furniture in means rearranging and trying to find better solutions to our floorplan.
-getting the garden ready for fall planting. I didn't plant beets last year and seriously regret it!
-Since the cat broke their cat tree, we are trying to see if we can expand their world and maybe make put shelves on the wall for them like a catwalk.

Maybe not this complex and bright...but we might as well use wall space instead of the ugly behemoth we have that takes up so much floor space. The only problem is the weight of our cats. We searched Ikea for shelves that can hold our plus size girls. Believe it or not they do exist.

Beside organizing the house, I've been trying to get my life in a good spot. Not like I have all that much control over my life, but there are definitely things I can work on. My business, my head, planning goals, debts, lots of marketing, taking care of as many details of life and getting them all mostly figured out. One of the things we have definitely been working on for a while is debt and planning towards a house. That's straight forward. I've been streamlining my business since I started, because every year is different. However, if I can get it as much in line as possible now, I feel better.

One of the things I've really needed to work on in my life is friends. It's one of the things I talked about in our foster care interview with our social worker. We need to make sure we have people we can really count on when life gets tough. I don't feel like I have anyone close by that I feel that way about. I have friends that I'm close with and I have friends that I was very close with, however, I don't have any best friends. I've been missing that. The one person who I would consider my best friend is over in Arkansas. I miss her a lot and really miss that time we spent together! I need someone closer!

So, that's been something I've been focusing on again. I've kept in contact with some women from our foster care PS-Mapp class. I'm happy I hunted them down, because it's good to see where we all are in the process and I feel like I'll need that connection in a friend. So, I do hope to really keep in contact and get to know some of them better. 

I have also recently found a groupon Meetup.com. It's a group of ladies in Burbank who plan out little events locally. I am so excited! I already went to a strange movie with two other ladies last night and already made a connection with one of the women who wants to learn more about photography. 

It's really making my heart happy to meet new people. I only see a limited number of people working for myself, so it's good to supplement that with good friends. Just getting to know more people is making me happy and also helping me pass the time waiting for our foster care license!